...My brain has sort of calmed down a bit and rerouted itself to be out of "sigh-face" mode.
So things aren't ALL bad, and I'm going to try to figure out how I can make them better. I haven't been able to get a part time job for shit living where I am at the moment, but our family is moving to a new area soon, still near the train line, but on the other side of the city from where we are now. Given that I'll be in a whole new area, it'll be a brand new blank slate for checkin' out all the various crappy part time jobs on offer.
Now, all that stuff aside, I WANT to do stuff in the video game industry, I KNOW this to be true in my soul. Maybe I'm not suited to it in an artistic way BUT, I'll never know if I don't REALLY REALLY TRY. To that end, I've decided to break down what is holding me back bit by bit (sort of in order of "How much I can do about it"):
Problem 1) My demo reel is no good:
Ok, when I finished my 3D animation course back in March 2010, I figured my demo reel was excellent. I mean, it seemed that way at the time, and it had so much diversity to its content! It had visual effects, modelling, texturing, architectural work, Character animation and so on. However, It is pandered by the community of artists that are high tier that being a creative industry as 3D animation is, your reel NEEDS to sell YOU. Sure, I covered a lot of different areas in my time at SAE, and they're all presented on my reel, but the quality of each of these things is lacking.
Now, this isn't the fault of the place that trained me. We only had a year to get all the stuff done that we did, all the while, I was being taught the various areas of 3D FROM SCRATCH. So, to say my knowledge of 3D animation swelled during the time from March 2009 to March 2010 is a big understatement. However, the quality is not high enough to really grab employers attentions. So, I need to improve my reel.
What do I need to do specifically to improve this? Well I need to display that I am capable of the skills that are required by artists that work on video games. The essentials are:
- Low polygon and High polygon modelling skills. Organic and Hard-Surface.
- Good texture work, especially being able to sculpt good normal maps using a software package (I have access to Mudbox for this)
- An understanding of rigging character models, as well as lighting scenes.
- An understanding of animation.
Note that VFX work, like particles, is not really necessary here, so that's something I don't really need to bother with (thankfully!). Also, depending on where I end up going with my work, I may only have to focus on characters or environments, which can mean needing to do some things is less necessary such as needing to know how to rig only for a character animator. However, I'm not totally sure if I want to be an environment artist or a character artist yet so it's probably safer to do a bit of both and see what I enjoy more.
So to simplify the above:
- Modelling
- Texturing
- Rigging, lighting,
- Animation
Simply modelling a character can accomplish all of the above. Characters have to be modelled, textured, rigged, and animated, and generally to show off the textures well (like specular/reflection/normal maps) you should light them well too. Environments simply cut out the Rigging and Animation aspects.
So say I want to display these qualities in both an environment scene and in the production of a character, what should I do exactly?
Firstly, come up with an interesting design for what I want to create.
Secondly, plan what will be needed to produce my design.
Thirdly, execute.
It's not too complicated when broken down like that, and I already have character designs and environment designs that I could work with.
So basically, I just need to produce some work for my Reel, and then update my reel with the work. That shouldn't be too crazy.
Let's move onto Problem 2) The software I have right now, is a Personal Study version.
While I'm certainly not bashing on companies for making these kinds of software that can be freely downloaded and used by people to learn (and I can use it to make stuff EXPLICITLY for the demo reel), my major problem from this is that in the user agreement, it is made crystal clear that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, can you use their animation software for ANYTHING COMMERCIAL EVER.
This sucks because Animation software that is industry standard like Maya or 3ds Max, costs around 2000 bucks each, and I don't have that kind of money, nor do I have a source of income. While I can make stuff with this for my demo reel (and sort of participate in some competitions), I cannot do any freelance work or work with any video game mod teams, even if I don't get paid, if they release the mod commercially, my ass could get handed to me by the people who make the software that I used for that mod, and then the mod team might have ramifications too. They may be forced to completely discontinue the mod, all because I can't buy a commercial use version of the software.
So while this does suck, I can still work on my own things, and add to my reel, which is great. It just means that my avenues for possibly making cash or getting experience are even smaller than they might be if I actually had a commercial license. This relates to Problem 3 in a way.
Problem 3) There's no fucking work in Perth for 3D.
Ok there is SOME, but it's pretty much already full of people already working in it who have no desire to go back to being unemployed unless they move elsewhere. As far as 3D work goes in Perth, it works like this:
Architecture Studios: There are a couple of big ones, mainly because there's so much construction going on in Perth all the time, so they feed on that. I've applied to such places in the past but they've never accepted me for paid work or just work experience, because in the past I've learnt how to use 3D with Maya, and architecture studios favour 3ds max instead. I'm working on an architecture piece now using 3ds max for my reel so that I can demonstrate my ability to use 3ds max for architecture, but my prospects still don't look good for employment from these guys. There's only a couple of big places, and virtually no smaller places anywhere nearby (unless I were to suddenly get moved to margaret river kind of thing, which is not going to happen).
Advertising Studios: There are a couple of places around for this kind of work, however, it should be noted that these guys are more in the VFX branch of 3D, and while I have applied to them in the past, my VFX work is probably my weakest point and unsurprisingly, I never heard from any of them. Sometimes VFX work involves models of objects, but the simple things like bottles are trivial to make, and things like Cars are typically handled by people who... are already well known for making lots of models of cars (my Lecturer has worked on a bunch of car commercials in his time). Prospects for jobs from these guys -> Even lower than architecture studios.
And then theres video game studios, however, there's only actually 2 places that could be considered "studios" in perth, and they're both full of people, a very small number of people, but still, full, and not looking for more. I've tried multiple times, and even got some work experience at one place, the only real success I've had getting anything close to being employed in 3D, however that's done with now and while I get to say I worked at a 3D game making place as a work experience kid for 20 days, and a referral from the boss of said place, nothing of real value has come from it, nothing I made can be used on my reel because it was all for the game, and the game is a secret project so, that's a no no.
Apart from that, the only big studio perth ever had for video games closed up and went back to wherever it came from because of shoddy management issues, and other problems that left everyone involved with a bad taste in their mouths. Everyone else in perth who makes games, is an independent, typically doing it as a hobby, or barely making enough money making flash games to survive, usually less. I'm not someone who knows anything about flash animation so that puts me at a severe disadvantage trying to get into helping any of these guys out, and they don't need any 3D people either, I've asked around, I've gone to their meet-ups, and there's not much to say other than *whistllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle-BOOM*
So unless I get called up again by the place I did work experience at, my prospects of getting a job in the game industry in Perth, is EVEN SHITTIER than getting a job at a VFX studio, not because I lack the skills required, but because the industry here is pretty much barren. And without being able to do any work from home on a Mod or as a Freelance guy, things look pretty bleak.
So where CAN I get work?
Let's ignore how many companies there are in the eastern states for just a moment as I open up my gmail account that is subscribed to the Digital Labourers Foundation (or DLF for short)
Ok, in the jobs section it looked like this:
Melbourne Sydney Sydney Melbourne Sydney Melbourne Adelaide Adelaide Adelaide Melbourne Sydney Sydney Sydney Adelaide Sydney London Sydney Weta NZ Sydney Canberra Melbourne Melbourne Sydney Canberra Sydney Melbourne...
You get the idea. Perth is not mentioned ONCE yet we are part of the mailing list. I can't remember Perth EVER Being mentioned.
(For those reading who haven't been to Australia, those are some of the capital cities over in the eastern states).
So, while the jobs posted are not always in my field (like there are jobs for photographers, programmers etc), there's certainly a lot more going on, and that is definitely a good thing.
So as far as companies over east go, Melbourne has some games studios and VFX studios, Brisbane has more games studios and less VFX studios, everywhere has architecture places. While moving to Brisbane would be better for me because of the larger number of game studios, It would be MUCH EASIER for me to go to Melbourne, as my older brother resides there and has told me I could room with him to at least get on my feet if I move (although he doesn't mind if I stick around longer and rent a place with him, which I'm cool with).
So clearly, my heart is set on going elsewhere, (of course I haven't even MENTIONED the COUNTLESS animation places in other countries, but maybe I'll get to that another time), but I lack one major thing that I need to do this. Money! The root of Problem 2 is also the root of Problem 3, which is very frustrating. Basically, I need 2000 bucks (probably more if I was to also get a commercial version of Mudbox and/or Zbrush, as well as having both 3ds max and Maya considering how different studios use different softwares, customer/client needs etc), so the cost would end up more around the $5000 mark in total. Then there's the cost of moving and living out of home. My brother said he would help me with accommodation, but that doesn't mean I get to live there without paying a cent. I'd obviously need to help with rent, food and bills, as well as paying for my own mobile phone bill. While I don't think Food would cost me much each week, my phone bill totals around 8 bucks a week (30 per month), and rent is probably at least about 250 per week, probably higher. I don't know how much bills generally cost but people seem to struggle to make ends meet at the best of times, so, To be able to move properly I really need to have a good amount of backup money and some good job prospects lined up for myself.
So, to put it in simple terms again:
Problem 2 and 3) Lack of money
To solve Problem 2 and 3) Obtain income and save money.
Obtain income through a Job
Pretty straight forward right?
My main issue for this is just getting a job in the first place, totally ignoring 3D jobs for a second. When it comes to getting crappy part time jobs, the best I've managed in the past was working as a glassy at a bar, with awful hours, shit working environment, and crappy pay. The people I worked with kept me going but in the end even they weren't enough to make it worth staying and I just had to bail, for my sanity and my health.
At the very least, that experience might make getting a new job easier. Hell, if I can handle navigating my way through scores of drunk people, mopping up vomit and worse on the fly, fulfilling special requests of bar-staff and customers alike, and generally keeping the place up and running for many hours each night until the crack of dawn, I'm sure I can survive working in a shop selling books/games/kitchenware/etc. If I can land a job that is ok as far as part time work goes, I'll be able to start saving money, and from that point on, as long as I'm smart about saving my money up for the purpose of doing something meaningful with it (in this case, moving states), that will be great. Of course I'm not going to delude myself into thinking my saving strategies will be perfect, as once I get a source of income again, I WILL be looking at what new video games are coming out a lot more closely, what anime is around, movies, and very importantly to my interests, building up my liquor collection so I can make nice drinks. Also my parents will be charging me a small bit of rent when I get a job, which is perfectly fair.
So, to break this down ONE LAST TIME:
What needs to be done->
Task 1) Work on demo reel, produce and display work that shows that I can Model, texture, rig, and animate well.
Task 2) Get a job and save money.
I think that my money should go towards the commercial versions of the programs first and moving second. After all, I might pick up some freelancing work finally if I have a commercial version of the software and start promoting myself everywhere.
I mean, that sounds pretty good right? Not too complicated no?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Debilitating Boredom
I don't know what has happened to me.
A little under a week ago, I was overcome with an insane amount of boredom. I didn't want to do ANYTHING AT ALL, so no video games, no anime, no manga, no 3D projects, no reading, no getting outside, nothing at all. I would wake up, go to the computer, open facebook and hotmail, and refresh those for most of the day.
Indeed that's all I've been doing for the past 4 or 5 days, with a tiny bit of gaming here and there (like passing crysis 1 and warhead over the past few days, both really short games that I sped through). Even now, I sit here, slumped in my chair, still in my pyjamas, when I should be out of the house, working on something. I'm bored beyond any sort of extreme levels though, I'm so bored it's depressing me, I can FEEL the physical symptoms of depression that I'm all too familiar with.
I haven't made an ounce of progress on my 3D apartment project which I'm supposed to be hard at work on everyday, my parents are getting shitty with me for not working on it as much as they want me to. Every effort I make to do anything in the program devolves into this though: I open the program, load the scene, create and move a few cubes around to spots for stuff to go, and then leave the program there and barely look at it for the rest of the day. No progress what-so-ever.
I guess I'm just so bored with life that I've become sapped of any strength I had to keep going. Hell, I even tried talking to a Kids Help Line service yesterday (they help people between 5 and 25 years of age in Australia), and even after an hour of just getting things off my chest about how fucking crap it is trying to get a job in 3D in Western Australia, how there are no jobs any-fucking-where else, and that the only thing that I might be able to get at all would be to serve fucking fast food at some shit place like KFC, I wasn't any better off for it. Working at somewhere like KFC is even more depressing of a thought than simply being an unemployed bum for the rest of my life.
Why did things have to turn out like this? What went wrong? What went wrong is a bit of a shit question to ask me though, a better question is What went right? I can tell you now, not fucking much; I survived high-school, I got into and completed a 1 year 3D animation course, and got 6 months of experience working as a glassy at a bar. That's about fucking it. Oh and I'm good at video games, but what the fuck is that going to do for me. I have no relationship experience to my name, I lack a great deal of social and mechanical skill, I can't drive, I spend much of my days in a haze in my mind, I have no real accomplishments to my name that can possibly get me anywhere.
Some things are bad luck, but other things are just shit, and bad luck doesn't make me feel any better about things.
I don't know what to do with myself. All I feel right now is that I wish I could die.
Why can't I just experience SOME success?
A little under a week ago, I was overcome with an insane amount of boredom. I didn't want to do ANYTHING AT ALL, so no video games, no anime, no manga, no 3D projects, no reading, no getting outside, nothing at all. I would wake up, go to the computer, open facebook and hotmail, and refresh those for most of the day.
Indeed that's all I've been doing for the past 4 or 5 days, with a tiny bit of gaming here and there (like passing crysis 1 and warhead over the past few days, both really short games that I sped through). Even now, I sit here, slumped in my chair, still in my pyjamas, when I should be out of the house, working on something. I'm bored beyond any sort of extreme levels though, I'm so bored it's depressing me, I can FEEL the physical symptoms of depression that I'm all too familiar with.
I haven't made an ounce of progress on my 3D apartment project which I'm supposed to be hard at work on everyday, my parents are getting shitty with me for not working on it as much as they want me to. Every effort I make to do anything in the program devolves into this though: I open the program, load the scene, create and move a few cubes around to spots for stuff to go, and then leave the program there and barely look at it for the rest of the day. No progress what-so-ever.
I guess I'm just so bored with life that I've become sapped of any strength I had to keep going. Hell, I even tried talking to a Kids Help Line service yesterday (they help people between 5 and 25 years of age in Australia), and even after an hour of just getting things off my chest about how fucking crap it is trying to get a job in 3D in Western Australia, how there are no jobs any-fucking-where else, and that the only thing that I might be able to get at all would be to serve fucking fast food at some shit place like KFC, I wasn't any better off for it. Working at somewhere like KFC is even more depressing of a thought than simply being an unemployed bum for the rest of my life.
Why did things have to turn out like this? What went wrong? What went wrong is a bit of a shit question to ask me though, a better question is What went right? I can tell you now, not fucking much; I survived high-school, I got into and completed a 1 year 3D animation course, and got 6 months of experience working as a glassy at a bar. That's about fucking it. Oh and I'm good at video games, but what the fuck is that going to do for me. I have no relationship experience to my name, I lack a great deal of social and mechanical skill, I can't drive, I spend much of my days in a haze in my mind, I have no real accomplishments to my name that can possibly get me anywhere.
Some things are bad luck, but other things are just shit, and bad luck doesn't make me feel any better about things.
I don't know what to do with myself. All I feel right now is that I wish I could die.
Why can't I just experience SOME success?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Oh yeah I have this blog still
Hey I'm not dead! Yet again here we are months apart from the previous post, so time to recap on whatever I can remember:
Firstly: Still no car or bike license, meh.
Secondly: I quit my job at the bar, as it just started to get way too depressing for me to keep working there. Everything just kinda hit a bottomless chasm; I had no energy ever, I felt like I was sorta not connecting properly with the people I worked with, I had a ton more hours than I would've liked, complete lack of sunlight, and just a general feeling of misery that I couldn't shake until I abandoned the job itself. I was hounded for it because I didn't have any backup job setup for myself but I consider my health to be a higher priority than money, as long as I am still at home with the parents at least.
Thirdly: Getting back into 3D, ditching the pro gaming idea (for now at least) and the bar work stuff may only come back as a couple of days a week part time job (and more likely it'll just be me finding work at a bottle-shop or something). I nabbed a 20 day work experience period at a video game company in Fremantle helping them work on the menu area for their video game (characters walking around in the background and such), which was an amazing eye opener thanks to the other artist I was working with, who really opened my eyes to what is possible in 3D nowadays. So now that that is over, and I have a neat referral and work experience to put on my resume, I'm working on my own stuff again.
I've also found that, it's so much easier for me to work on something, if I simply get out of the house and go somewhere else to work on it. For a couple of days this week, I've been going back to the place I studied 3D and making use of their facilities, with remarkable productivity boosts as a result. When I'm at home, I guess my brain just wanders and tells itself it can do stuff later, but when I get out of the house I get more into the "you're not at home, you're on a computer, it's workin time" mode and it's really great. Happy to be back to working on something I find meaningful.
And Lastly, but what I consider to be most importantly, I may have fallen for someone (or at least finally acknowledged that I've fallen for them). If you'll remember from my last post I mentioned that I was very much detached from romantic feelings towards any women now. Well that seems to have changed, as I currently find myself COMPLETELY attached to this one girl I know. I don't even actually know her that well, but I'm always kinda drawn to look at her when she's around, and I'd really like to get to know her better.
Some slight complications with this situation however
1) I'm shy as fuck around her and can't seem to find the courage to just try talking to her. I don't get why, but that's just how it is. Makes me sigh when I think about it.
2). She is in fact, the younger sister of one of my friends. However, I've already talked to him about it and he's a total bro about it so this isn't really an issue anymore.
3). She is only 15 years old (the legal age here is 16). This is mainly an issue from a legal point of view, since if we were the same age I wouldn't even think about this, however I am in fact 19, and I'll be turning 20 in January (shit that rocked up fast). From a moral standpoint, I don't find my attraction creepy at all, in fact I find it hard most of the time to think about anything perverted regarding her, almost as if I would rather not think of her like that for some reason. Also she turns 16 in only a few months, and I'm in no desperate hurry to rush straight to anything.
If anything, I'm afraid of her being snatched away by someone else while I sit by, twiddling my thumbs, thinking of what to say to her. Also I don't think I've mentioned as such yet, but from the way I see her, it seems as if she is also attracted to me on some level, though I cannot be certain of anything, as my ability to recognize signals of any kind is god-awful. It would be nice though, if things were to somehow work out. In this way I think my ideals of love and relationships has changed a lot since high-school days. I actually wish I could have my virginity back sometimes, but that is done with now so it's not work thinking about.
What else to say... well, not much really, since I can't be bothered getting into the specifics of stuff like what anime I've watched, manga I've read, or games I've played, however I have been spending way too much time playing Monday Night Combat on PC lately. I'm ranked in the top 100 almost for total crossfire mode earnings, which is kinda crazy (doesn't mean I'm in the top 100 most skilled players group though, no real way to determine that unfortunately).
So I guess for now this is goodbye again, but hopefully it's not such a long goodbye this time, so that I may actually update this thing (for nobody to read lol). That is... so long as I don't get lost in my swooning over the girl...
<3
Firstly: Still no car or bike license, meh.
Secondly: I quit my job at the bar, as it just started to get way too depressing for me to keep working there. Everything just kinda hit a bottomless chasm; I had no energy ever, I felt like I was sorta not connecting properly with the people I worked with, I had a ton more hours than I would've liked, complete lack of sunlight, and just a general feeling of misery that I couldn't shake until I abandoned the job itself. I was hounded for it because I didn't have any backup job setup for myself but I consider my health to be a higher priority than money, as long as I am still at home with the parents at least.
Thirdly: Getting back into 3D, ditching the pro gaming idea (for now at least) and the bar work stuff may only come back as a couple of days a week part time job (and more likely it'll just be me finding work at a bottle-shop or something). I nabbed a 20 day work experience period at a video game company in Fremantle helping them work on the menu area for their video game (characters walking around in the background and such), which was an amazing eye opener thanks to the other artist I was working with, who really opened my eyes to what is possible in 3D nowadays. So now that that is over, and I have a neat referral and work experience to put on my resume, I'm working on my own stuff again.
I've also found that, it's so much easier for me to work on something, if I simply get out of the house and go somewhere else to work on it. For a couple of days this week, I've been going back to the place I studied 3D and making use of their facilities, with remarkable productivity boosts as a result. When I'm at home, I guess my brain just wanders and tells itself it can do stuff later, but when I get out of the house I get more into the "you're not at home, you're on a computer, it's workin time" mode and it's really great. Happy to be back to working on something I find meaningful.
And Lastly, but what I consider to be most importantly, I may have fallen for someone (or at least finally acknowledged that I've fallen for them). If you'll remember from my last post I mentioned that I was very much detached from romantic feelings towards any women now. Well that seems to have changed, as I currently find myself COMPLETELY attached to this one girl I know. I don't even actually know her that well, but I'm always kinda drawn to look at her when she's around, and I'd really like to get to know her better.
Some slight complications with this situation however
1) I'm shy as fuck around her and can't seem to find the courage to just try talking to her. I don't get why, but that's just how it is. Makes me sigh when I think about it.
2). She is in fact, the younger sister of one of my friends. However, I've already talked to him about it and he's a total bro about it so this isn't really an issue anymore.
3). She is only 15 years old (the legal age here is 16). This is mainly an issue from a legal point of view, since if we were the same age I wouldn't even think about this, however I am in fact 19, and I'll be turning 20 in January (shit that rocked up fast). From a moral standpoint, I don't find my attraction creepy at all, in fact I find it hard most of the time to think about anything perverted regarding her, almost as if I would rather not think of her like that for some reason. Also she turns 16 in only a few months, and I'm in no desperate hurry to rush straight to anything.
If anything, I'm afraid of her being snatched away by someone else while I sit by, twiddling my thumbs, thinking of what to say to her. Also I don't think I've mentioned as such yet, but from the way I see her, it seems as if she is also attracted to me on some level, though I cannot be certain of anything, as my ability to recognize signals of any kind is god-awful. It would be nice though, if things were to somehow work out. In this way I think my ideals of love and relationships has changed a lot since high-school days. I actually wish I could have my virginity back sometimes, but that is done with now so it's not work thinking about.
What else to say... well, not much really, since I can't be bothered getting into the specifics of stuff like what anime I've watched, manga I've read, or games I've played, however I have been spending way too much time playing Monday Night Combat on PC lately. I'm ranked in the top 100 almost for total crossfire mode earnings, which is kinda crazy (doesn't mean I'm in the top 100 most skilled players group though, no real way to determine that unfortunately).
So I guess for now this is goodbye again, but hopefully it's not such a long goodbye this time, so that I may actually update this thing (for nobody to read lol). That is... so long as I don't get lost in my swooning over the girl...
<3
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
What the f***?
It has been 4 months since my last post if my math is correct, so both a lot, and a little, has happened in that time.
On the girl front, I gave up on her quickly, and she ended up going out with some other guy instead. No big loss there as I don't like the ones that play their little mind-games, regardless of the other qualities they might have.
I still don't have a car or bike license and haven't done any lessons for a very long time. As far as car license is concerned, I seriously just DO NOT WANT one. Whenever I think about it my stomach starts to turn itself over inside me, I feel a little nauseous and an overarching sense of fear invades my mind. Funnily enough, the same is not true when I think about working on a bike license but of course, parents won't support it at all so I'm f***ed there.
With my 3D animation, literally nothing has happened there. I've just sort of given up on it up until now, though I'm having recurring thoughts about picking it back up again. I can never seem to act on my ideas of getting back into things though which is really frustrating as I feel kind of powerless, but I'm working on that. I have plans, bold plans, but they might work.
Career wise, I'm having this wierd situation where I feel like I'm in a crisis and am just going to crumble under this pressure I've placed on myself, but the pressure is simply because I'm not making any effort to do 3D or other things, staying content at the bar job I landed 4 months ago when I got trialled at the bar in the city. I feel the pressure is somewhat justified in that all I've done for the past 4 months is worked my job being a glassy at a bar, and while it has been enjoyable having money, it has been mostly un-fulfilling (apart from having lots of social contact and new friends, that has been nice).
So I've been contemplating, as I do constantly, how I can branch out. Obviously I can keep pressing the bar to train me as a bartender behind the bar, but if I can apply myself correctly, I can probably return to 3D animation. I had another idea though, one that I've had for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time but has always seemed just so silly whenever I thought about it, and that is to become a Pro-Gamer. Who honestly thinks that though right? It's like the ultimate competitive gamers dream and I am so bold as to think "hey lets give it a shot," but you don't just BECOME a pro-gamer, you need to earn your place and this is what worries me, that I will not in fact be skilled enough to match up to the established pros. It takes a lot of dedication to be the very best at the game that you play and I currently have 3-4 of my days taken up mostly with working, which limits my playtime substantially.
My big plan, as it were, is to do everything. That's right, 3D animation, bar work, and pro-gaming. Sounds crazy yeh? The thing is, I have a desire to do each of these things, but if I try to focus on one and cut out the other two, then I feel I limit myself. If I don't do 3D animation, I limit myself creatively and in terms of being a nerd in an exciting industry. If I don't do pro-gaming, I limit my ability to make USE of my 12+ years of playing video games (thats a long time for someone who is only 19 in my opinion) by just doing what I do, simply more professionally. If I don't do bar work, I feel that I will stifle my social development (which has been huge since I started working the glassy job). All 3 industries/professions have their pros and cons and I feel like they sort of balance each other out.
The problem with doing all three at once (or at least trying to) is that of having enough hours in a day to do everything, and the inherent lack of free time that I will have by doing this (right now I have too much free time, but this will cause that to become near 0 free time). You need to practice to be a pro-gamer, and practice a lot, the 3D animation job will take up a lot of day hours (as well as personal projects when I get the time), and the bar work will take up a lot of night hours at least. However if I find that I am doing well in 1 or 2 fields and lacking in the other, I can drop the other field and just continue doing what I'm doing and I will probably see much success this way. It's just a matter of the DOING that is hard to initiate as per the usual trend that befalls me.
Maybe this is the best idea I've ever had? Maybe it's the WORST idea I've ever had but I won't know for sure unless I try it. Right now I feel so stifled just doing the one thing, that maybe some variety is what I need beyond recreational video games -> Glassy work.
Also, I haven't been excersizing much as I feel tired enough from work as it is as the glassy work is kinda physically demanding, lots of movement all night long coupled with some portions of moving heavy shit around and going up and down stairs all through the night so I feel that that is a workout enough for someone that just wants to stay in shape and not become a total slob. My eating has been up and down but I feel that I can steer myself back into the up again as I'm going to be attempting to incorporate more meals of eggs into my day, more fruit, no cookies or bars when I go get subway (which is always loaded with veggies and meatballs or chicken), getting pro-active about acquiring my own ingredients so I can make my own food etc. It mainly requires a lot of willpower more than anything so I just need to pull myself together mainly.
And I did hook up with a cute asian girl that sort of picked me up while I was working one of my shifts and we ended up going to another nightclub later to dance, she got drunk, I took her home, and we had sex :O OMG moment for me at the time I was like so proud of myself for being such a stud lol, but the whole experience has had a few odd side effects on me which don't seem to be consistent with everyone else descriptions of "oh man it'll be the best thing ever blah blah blah fuck hot chicks blah blah."
1) I actually found the sex to be kind of boring. Honestly I enjoyed the blowjob the most but found the sex to be... underwhelming, tiresome, and generally just... meh.
2) Because of this, I feel like I just don't want to pursue anything with girls anymore. I'm not turning gay or anything, but it just feels like I would rather not bother with trying to hook up with girls given that the "payoff" is way too low compared to the effort put into it.
3) Funnily enough, because of this, I have an easier time just having casual chats with girls, because I have no intentions of hooking up with them or whatever, and as a result, I'm getting flirted with a lot more, probably because I give off the "totally detached and non-clingy cool guy" aura that most of the ladies men give off, but I'm not utilising it at all. It's not like I've become a pick up artist overnight or anything, but something has definitely swung into my favor, not that I'm making use of it though.
4) This does feel me feeling slightly empty though, as suddenly, girls are a non-issue, so what do I do later in life when it comes time to find a partner to have kids with? Am I just gonna be one of those people that never settles down? Will I end up with a partner that cheats on me all the time because I don't satisfy her carnal desires enough? Will I just have a stagnant relationship because so much of our society seems based off sex these days that not being a part of that seems to carry a stigma with it. Maybe I just truly am one of those people who just needs some companionship from time to time and thats about it (nothing wrong with that in my eyes).
5) It seems easier to make female friends in all of this, which is nice, as it was a long time since I had a female friend up until recently.
So there you have it. Can't think of anything else to add at this stage other than though I may endeavour to keep this blog updated more often, I doubt anyone reads it anyway and I just lose track of shit so whatever. I'll go about it as I go.
On the girl front, I gave up on her quickly, and she ended up going out with some other guy instead. No big loss there as I don't like the ones that play their little mind-games, regardless of the other qualities they might have.
I still don't have a car or bike license and haven't done any lessons for a very long time. As far as car license is concerned, I seriously just DO NOT WANT one. Whenever I think about it my stomach starts to turn itself over inside me, I feel a little nauseous and an overarching sense of fear invades my mind. Funnily enough, the same is not true when I think about working on a bike license but of course, parents won't support it at all so I'm f***ed there.
With my 3D animation, literally nothing has happened there. I've just sort of given up on it up until now, though I'm having recurring thoughts about picking it back up again. I can never seem to act on my ideas of getting back into things though which is really frustrating as I feel kind of powerless, but I'm working on that. I have plans, bold plans, but they might work.
Career wise, I'm having this wierd situation where I feel like I'm in a crisis and am just going to crumble under this pressure I've placed on myself, but the pressure is simply because I'm not making any effort to do 3D or other things, staying content at the bar job I landed 4 months ago when I got trialled at the bar in the city. I feel the pressure is somewhat justified in that all I've done for the past 4 months is worked my job being a glassy at a bar, and while it has been enjoyable having money, it has been mostly un-fulfilling (apart from having lots of social contact and new friends, that has been nice).
So I've been contemplating, as I do constantly, how I can branch out. Obviously I can keep pressing the bar to train me as a bartender behind the bar, but if I can apply myself correctly, I can probably return to 3D animation. I had another idea though, one that I've had for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time but has always seemed just so silly whenever I thought about it, and that is to become a Pro-Gamer. Who honestly thinks that though right? It's like the ultimate competitive gamers dream and I am so bold as to think "hey lets give it a shot," but you don't just BECOME a pro-gamer, you need to earn your place and this is what worries me, that I will not in fact be skilled enough to match up to the established pros. It takes a lot of dedication to be the very best at the game that you play and I currently have 3-4 of my days taken up mostly with working, which limits my playtime substantially.
My big plan, as it were, is to do everything. That's right, 3D animation, bar work, and pro-gaming. Sounds crazy yeh? The thing is, I have a desire to do each of these things, but if I try to focus on one and cut out the other two, then I feel I limit myself. If I don't do 3D animation, I limit myself creatively and in terms of being a nerd in an exciting industry. If I don't do pro-gaming, I limit my ability to make USE of my 12+ years of playing video games (thats a long time for someone who is only 19 in my opinion) by just doing what I do, simply more professionally. If I don't do bar work, I feel that I will stifle my social development (which has been huge since I started working the glassy job). All 3 industries/professions have their pros and cons and I feel like they sort of balance each other out.
The problem with doing all three at once (or at least trying to) is that of having enough hours in a day to do everything, and the inherent lack of free time that I will have by doing this (right now I have too much free time, but this will cause that to become near 0 free time). You need to practice to be a pro-gamer, and practice a lot, the 3D animation job will take up a lot of day hours (as well as personal projects when I get the time), and the bar work will take up a lot of night hours at least. However if I find that I am doing well in 1 or 2 fields and lacking in the other, I can drop the other field and just continue doing what I'm doing and I will probably see much success this way. It's just a matter of the DOING that is hard to initiate as per the usual trend that befalls me.
Maybe this is the best idea I've ever had? Maybe it's the WORST idea I've ever had but I won't know for sure unless I try it. Right now I feel so stifled just doing the one thing, that maybe some variety is what I need beyond recreational video games -> Glassy work.
Also, I haven't been excersizing much as I feel tired enough from work as it is as the glassy work is kinda physically demanding, lots of movement all night long coupled with some portions of moving heavy shit around and going up and down stairs all through the night so I feel that that is a workout enough for someone that just wants to stay in shape and not become a total slob. My eating has been up and down but I feel that I can steer myself back into the up again as I'm going to be attempting to incorporate more meals of eggs into my day, more fruit, no cookies or bars when I go get subway (which is always loaded with veggies and meatballs or chicken), getting pro-active about acquiring my own ingredients so I can make my own food etc. It mainly requires a lot of willpower more than anything so I just need to pull myself together mainly.
And I did hook up with a cute asian girl that sort of picked me up while I was working one of my shifts and we ended up going to another nightclub later to dance, she got drunk, I took her home, and we had sex :O OMG moment for me at the time I was like so proud of myself for being such a stud lol, but the whole experience has had a few odd side effects on me which don't seem to be consistent with everyone else descriptions of "oh man it'll be the best thing ever blah blah blah fuck hot chicks blah blah."
1) I actually found the sex to be kind of boring. Honestly I enjoyed the blowjob the most but found the sex to be... underwhelming, tiresome, and generally just... meh.
2) Because of this, I feel like I just don't want to pursue anything with girls anymore. I'm not turning gay or anything, but it just feels like I would rather not bother with trying to hook up with girls given that the "payoff" is way too low compared to the effort put into it.
3) Funnily enough, because of this, I have an easier time just having casual chats with girls, because I have no intentions of hooking up with them or whatever, and as a result, I'm getting flirted with a lot more, probably because I give off the "totally detached and non-clingy cool guy" aura that most of the ladies men give off, but I'm not utilising it at all. It's not like I've become a pick up artist overnight or anything, but something has definitely swung into my favor, not that I'm making use of it though.
4) This does feel me feeling slightly empty though, as suddenly, girls are a non-issue, so what do I do later in life when it comes time to find a partner to have kids with? Am I just gonna be one of those people that never settles down? Will I end up with a partner that cheats on me all the time because I don't satisfy her carnal desires enough? Will I just have a stagnant relationship because so much of our society seems based off sex these days that not being a part of that seems to carry a stigma with it. Maybe I just truly am one of those people who just needs some companionship from time to time and thats about it (nothing wrong with that in my eyes).
5) It seems easier to make female friends in all of this, which is nice, as it was a long time since I had a female friend up until recently.
So there you have it. Can't think of anything else to add at this stage other than though I may endeavour to keep this blog updated more often, I doubt anyone reads it anyway and I just lose track of shit so whatever. I'll go about it as I go.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Progress progress progress...
I'm just going to blather on as I can't be bothered with a properly structured post right now. I'm running off about 4 hours sleep and I don't cope too well with less than half my normal amount of sleep, so on with the show!
Firstly, I'm trying something new and exciting. I've always been saying that I'd love to get a job behind a bar, and now I'm on my way to making that a reality. I got my Responsible Service of Alcohol License and did a bar skills course very very recently, and in the past week have handed out almost 50 resumes across my home city and the surrounding areas that I have easy access to. I've already had 2 job offers, one that I turned down because it seemed dodgy, but I have accepted a trial shift for the second job working as a Glassy in a bar in the city. Even if It isn't a straight up bar job, it provides me with hospitality experience and avenues to progress through in-bar training when its quieter. I look forward to the 15th of the month!
I also got a girls number about two weeks ago. This is the same girl that I fawned over a few months back who I worked with at McDonalds. We seemed to hit it off after a random encounter at a different McDonalds where she was just getting something to eat. I've tried calling her 3 times since then without any luck so I hope she didn't get cold feet or just give me her number with no intention of ever picking up when I call. I'm really sweet on her, but if she keeps playing "Hard to get," I will just move on, as I don't like childish games.
Parents have now said they'll pay for me to get driving lessons (of course when I asked about getting paid motorbike lessons instead, they got mad, so I'm going to have to do those with my own money and most likely in secret). I've looked through a bunch of schools, the price difference is really minimal, I'm just going to be checking to see if they do the service where you start wherever you start, and when you finish, you arrange to be dropping yourself off somewhere, like outside where you work or to a friends place or even home. Convenience convenience :)
I have been excersizing most days, though after some of my resume hand-in days and some really busy days I don't go on the treadmill because my legs are already super sore from 5+ hours of walking all over the place, so it is probably still fine. I'm still trying to eat healthy where I can.
What else is there... not much else to report really. Making progress on all fronts :)
I love being me. If there is something about me that I don't love right away, I will make it so that I improve it or change it so that I do love me entirely. I will conquer the challenges that stand in my way, and live the life that I want to, no matter how hard that is to do, I will find a way.
Firstly, I'm trying something new and exciting. I've always been saying that I'd love to get a job behind a bar, and now I'm on my way to making that a reality. I got my Responsible Service of Alcohol License and did a bar skills course very very recently, and in the past week have handed out almost 50 resumes across my home city and the surrounding areas that I have easy access to. I've already had 2 job offers, one that I turned down because it seemed dodgy, but I have accepted a trial shift for the second job working as a Glassy in a bar in the city. Even if It isn't a straight up bar job, it provides me with hospitality experience and avenues to progress through in-bar training when its quieter. I look forward to the 15th of the month!
I also got a girls number about two weeks ago. This is the same girl that I fawned over a few months back who I worked with at McDonalds. We seemed to hit it off after a random encounter at a different McDonalds where she was just getting something to eat. I've tried calling her 3 times since then without any luck so I hope she didn't get cold feet or just give me her number with no intention of ever picking up when I call. I'm really sweet on her, but if she keeps playing "Hard to get," I will just move on, as I don't like childish games.
Parents have now said they'll pay for me to get driving lessons (of course when I asked about getting paid motorbike lessons instead, they got mad, so I'm going to have to do those with my own money and most likely in secret). I've looked through a bunch of schools, the price difference is really minimal, I'm just going to be checking to see if they do the service where you start wherever you start, and when you finish, you arrange to be dropping yourself off somewhere, like outside where you work or to a friends place or even home. Convenience convenience :)
I have been excersizing most days, though after some of my resume hand-in days and some really busy days I don't go on the treadmill because my legs are already super sore from 5+ hours of walking all over the place, so it is probably still fine. I'm still trying to eat healthy where I can.
What else is there... not much else to report really. Making progress on all fronts :)
I love being me. If there is something about me that I don't love right away, I will make it so that I improve it or change it so that I do love me entirely. I will conquer the challenges that stand in my way, and live the life that I want to, no matter how hard that is to do, I will find a way.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Epic Rebound!
Ok, for anyone keeping up with my writings, my previous post was me feeling like an absolute failure, a worthless existence etc. I was at the bottom of a deep deep well with no way out, with no hope for escape. Little did I realize, I had a grappling hook with me all along so that I could fish myself out of there and live the life I deserve.
It's hard to say exactly how I did break out of my downward spiral though. I read a couple of e-books on self help, all with the major issue of dealing with mental attitudes towards... everything. With these new ideas that I was in control of my thoughts, and that I could have the universe at my fingertips if I only gave the universe my attention, I was empowered.
I realized that before, most of what I was doing was to seek approval from those around me, be they friends, family, or others. So I asked myself "why do I need their approval at all? What is so great about that?" I rediscovered my ambition for 3D now that I had broken out of the mindset that I was doing it for others, as it really only matters that I do it for myself. Just like the fact that It doesn't matter how much my parents disapprove of me wanting a motorbike license, I'm going to get one either way, death shall be the only thing that stops me.
I also developed a new mental attitude towards social situations. I identified that most of my problems with being social stem from a general lack of confidence, so I went to work on that. I have a powerful attitude now that confidence is my own choice. Just the other day, I walked into an animation studio and asked the receptionist if I could speak to one of the higher ups about work experience or employment. She fetched the lady in charge of recruiting and we had a 5-10 minute chat about all things relevant. I was calm and confident in my own abilities and left a good impression and a genuine smile on her face. This is because I believe in my own abilities and skills, and I also believe that if my abilities and skills are not good enough at the time, I have the power to improve on them to the point where they exceed what is needed. A few weeks ago I could've seen myself walking into the studio, shuffling about nervously, tripping over my words, and giving off the impression that I am desperate for work, lack confidence, and would be a waste of time giving work experience to.
I don't hurry to peoples beck and call because I am the master of my own universe. I assert myself when people bring up values that clash with my own. I can look people in the eye without feeling the need to quickly glance away (most of the time, its still a bit of a habit but I'm breaking out of those, such as I don't bite my nails or lip because I am relaxed in my own skin). I walk as though the world will still be waiting for me if I just take my time for a few minutes.
I'm taking steps to move forward with my life in general. Talking to the animation studios in person is a big one, and although I have prior obligations keeping me from doing that today and tomorrow, I will continue to make the time to go see these people and make them feel that taking me on for work experience is a good idea. I also still want to do bar work, which is why I have booked a 1 day course for tomorrow where I will go and get my "Responsible Service of Alcohol" license, which will allow me to work in bars, bottle-shops, clubs etc.
I have also successfully gotten myself into a workout routine that doesn't feel forced. Rather than it getting to nighttime and thinking to myself "ah its kinda late, I think I'll do that run tomorrow," I think to myself "hey lets go for a night run." We have a treadmill now and I've been using that for over a week now, and though I am unfit, I still manage 9-10 minutes at the moment running at 8km/h. I also do push-ups and sit-ups afterwards, without feeling the need to force myself to do them. I don't do them because someone told me that it'd make me a healthier person, I do all of that because I WANT to be a healthier person. I want to be a healthier person so that I can maximize the effectiveness of my physical self, so I am capable of defending myself when shit hits the fan, and simply so I can feel good!
I am also eating way healthier too, also because I WANT to be a healthier person. I've traded my bowl of weet-bix crunch in the mornings (which isn't too bad to begin with) for Muesli + Honey (add toast if I'm still hungry) or Multi-grain/Hi-bran weet-bix with honey on top. Lunch is the most difficult one but I usually have an apple with some toast, usually using blue-berry spread on top instead of peanut butter or vegemite, and I would like to find more fruits I like for lunch so I can expand the palette. Dinner has always usually been healthy, with whatever myself or my parents cook usually involving a nice amount of peas and carrots, possibly potato, possibly pumpkin, possibly tomato, all with some kind of meat served in some way. Also we usually have egg on toast, boiled, scrambled or BBQ cooked, its all good. For snacks, I avoid the brunch bars in the cupboard and go for apples instead (and would like to have bananas but we don't have any at the moment :( .
I usually save playing video games for night-time now, unless I don't have any pressing issues to sort out or deadlines to meet. Keeps my days more productive. Speaking of days, I'm also going to sleep earlier and getting up earlier, so that I may actually do more with my time.
All in all, I feel better than I've felt in years, and I know it's not going to stop, because I believe in myself and where I'm heading with life. Really, all that is left now is to actually get a job (which I'm working towards) and get more used to talking to girls than I currently am.
Feels good man.
It's hard to say exactly how I did break out of my downward spiral though. I read a couple of e-books on self help, all with the major issue of dealing with mental attitudes towards... everything. With these new ideas that I was in control of my thoughts, and that I could have the universe at my fingertips if I only gave the universe my attention, I was empowered.
I realized that before, most of what I was doing was to seek approval from those around me, be they friends, family, or others. So I asked myself "why do I need their approval at all? What is so great about that?" I rediscovered my ambition for 3D now that I had broken out of the mindset that I was doing it for others, as it really only matters that I do it for myself. Just like the fact that It doesn't matter how much my parents disapprove of me wanting a motorbike license, I'm going to get one either way, death shall be the only thing that stops me.
I also developed a new mental attitude towards social situations. I identified that most of my problems with being social stem from a general lack of confidence, so I went to work on that. I have a powerful attitude now that confidence is my own choice. Just the other day, I walked into an animation studio and asked the receptionist if I could speak to one of the higher ups about work experience or employment. She fetched the lady in charge of recruiting and we had a 5-10 minute chat about all things relevant. I was calm and confident in my own abilities and left a good impression and a genuine smile on her face. This is because I believe in my own abilities and skills, and I also believe that if my abilities and skills are not good enough at the time, I have the power to improve on them to the point where they exceed what is needed. A few weeks ago I could've seen myself walking into the studio, shuffling about nervously, tripping over my words, and giving off the impression that I am desperate for work, lack confidence, and would be a waste of time giving work experience to.
I don't hurry to peoples beck and call because I am the master of my own universe. I assert myself when people bring up values that clash with my own. I can look people in the eye without feeling the need to quickly glance away (most of the time, its still a bit of a habit but I'm breaking out of those, such as I don't bite my nails or lip because I am relaxed in my own skin). I walk as though the world will still be waiting for me if I just take my time for a few minutes.
I'm taking steps to move forward with my life in general. Talking to the animation studios in person is a big one, and although I have prior obligations keeping me from doing that today and tomorrow, I will continue to make the time to go see these people and make them feel that taking me on for work experience is a good idea. I also still want to do bar work, which is why I have booked a 1 day course for tomorrow where I will go and get my "Responsible Service of Alcohol" license, which will allow me to work in bars, bottle-shops, clubs etc.
I have also successfully gotten myself into a workout routine that doesn't feel forced. Rather than it getting to nighttime and thinking to myself "ah its kinda late, I think I'll do that run tomorrow," I think to myself "hey lets go for a night run." We have a treadmill now and I've been using that for over a week now, and though I am unfit, I still manage 9-10 minutes at the moment running at 8km/h. I also do push-ups and sit-ups afterwards, without feeling the need to force myself to do them. I don't do them because someone told me that it'd make me a healthier person, I do all of that because I WANT to be a healthier person. I want to be a healthier person so that I can maximize the effectiveness of my physical self, so I am capable of defending myself when shit hits the fan, and simply so I can feel good!
I am also eating way healthier too, also because I WANT to be a healthier person. I've traded my bowl of weet-bix crunch in the mornings (which isn't too bad to begin with) for Muesli + Honey (add toast if I'm still hungry) or Multi-grain/Hi-bran weet-bix with honey on top. Lunch is the most difficult one but I usually have an apple with some toast, usually using blue-berry spread on top instead of peanut butter or vegemite, and I would like to find more fruits I like for lunch so I can expand the palette. Dinner has always usually been healthy, with whatever myself or my parents cook usually involving a nice amount of peas and carrots, possibly potato, possibly pumpkin, possibly tomato, all with some kind of meat served in some way. Also we usually have egg on toast, boiled, scrambled or BBQ cooked, its all good. For snacks, I avoid the brunch bars in the cupboard and go for apples instead (and would like to have bananas but we don't have any at the moment :( .
I usually save playing video games for night-time now, unless I don't have any pressing issues to sort out or deadlines to meet. Keeps my days more productive. Speaking of days, I'm also going to sleep earlier and getting up earlier, so that I may actually do more with my time.
All in all, I feel better than I've felt in years, and I know it's not going to stop, because I believe in myself and where I'm heading with life. Really, all that is left now is to actually get a job (which I'm working towards) and get more used to talking to girls than I currently am.
Feels good man.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Current mood - Despair
That's pretty much it. Right now everything feels hopeless. There's so much and so little to say about it at the same time. I'll probably just end up rambling incoherently but I may as well get this down anyway.
I basically feel dead inside again. This seems to be happening to me more and more these days. It was only a few weeks ago that this same thing happened and I spent a week in this state, doing very little and causing my family to be very agitated. I think this feeling of emptiness inside is a massive sign of depression, and to tell you the truth I do feel depressed. My train of thought constantly re-centers itself on how much of a failure I am as a person. So let's take a look at that shall we...
I have no car, no job, and have still never had a girlfriend. I am basically a loser. I still survive off fortnightly pocket-money from my parents as I have done since I was in primary school. I have to rely on public transport to get anywhere, I can't buy anything for myself unless I save up my tiny amount of pocket money for months, if not a year, and I feel like a failure for not being able to attract a nice girl. People tell me I shouldn't feel so bad about the girl part but something I read recently regarding parents feeling disappointed that their kids aren't producing grand-kids cannot get my mind off this fact. It went something along the lines of "You are their greatest investment, they have poured love, time, and money into you, so that you may be the best that you can be, but if you cannot attract a girl, then you are a faulty product, and a waste for them."
So basically, when I take that quote there and apply it to myself, I end up with the shocking realization that I am 18 and all I have to show for it is a high-school graduation certificate and soon a diploma of 3D animation. I don't have any awesome awards, or trophies, or "a track record with the ladies", or major accomplishments beyond surviving my education. All I have are a few friends, all of whom are way better off than I am.
My mate B***** has a nice amount of savings, an 80 000 dollar car, lots of work experience in a thriving industry with plenty of potential to grow, and has been with plenty of "hot" girls (though his definition of hot girls is different to mine in that he likes the more 'perfect hollywood' look, refer to my post about my type of girls and its basically the opposite).
My mate B## has about 13 000 dollars in savings, owns a huge amount of games, has his license and is saving that money for a car at the moment, and has lots of work experience in a wide variety of jobs (Shelf stacker -> Kitchen Hand -> Orderly at a hospital -> Baggage Handler -> new job soon once he quits that one). His track record with girls is as bad as mine but it doesn't concern him like it concerns me.
My mate J**** is always having fun drinking or doing other things because he has money from his job at McDonalds. Though he's not that much better off than myself, at least he's enjoying himself.
And my mate B***** seems to be cruising through life rather nicely, with a good family, a job that fits into his study, and a laid-back attitude.
As far as I can see, they are all better off than me, yet I was always the kid who was said to have "so much potential." Either they're right and I've simply let them down, or they were simply wrong all along.
No car, no job, no money, no girl, no social skills. I don't understand how everyone else can be how they are when they get into a public environment and start talking with randoms or whatever. Was I born lacking that gene or something? It's always been really odd for me to watch people being social, as I don't really get much of what is going on. It kills me to no end that I can't just meet people of my own accord, and that I can't really connect with people, also due to what seems to be the way that I think very differently from others (my step-dad and I always have clashes of ways of doing things and how things should be, all the time, and its not just with him).
Also on the subject of no social skills, I was recently at a club with a friend and as I was taking a breather after dancing, and a really cute girl joined me and started talking to me out of nowhere. I was a little awkward (despite being tipsy at least) but she took me to the dance-floor anyway, but from there nothing happened, and my friends were trying to get me to do something but I was clueless as to what to do to progress things or how I should act, so she went her way and nothing happened. Why did I have to be the one to have no social skills when my brother and sister turned out just fine...
I can barely do simple tasks as well. My sister was tasked with teaching me how to clean the toilets properly today and it felt like I was doing it in a daze, she had to keep re-showing me how to do things and had lots of criticism for the ton of mistakes I was making and how long it was taking me to clean 1 toilet. When I think back on it, it's so simple, but when it comes to doing it, it would look to anyone else as though I'd been tasked with defusing a bomb or something. I'm so incompetent... I can mess up the most simple of cooking recipes too.
So where were we... no car, no job, no girl, no social skills, no money. No motivation either. A group of us 3D guys from my college have been working on a 3D short for our reels and I've been tasked with building creation and placement in the city scene we have. We only have a limited amount of time on this since we're doing it for a competition too, I think about 8 weeks left, and I haven't made any buildings or contributed anything useful for the past week and a half at least, closer to 2 weeks to be honest. I'm just not really excited by it anymore, and it's not only this project, but all the ideas I've had for personal projects, I just can't seem to make myself do any of them and it is so depressing because doing these projects so I can boost my reel is one of the ONLY things that will help me land a 3D job in games (or anywhere for that matter).
All I'm doing lately instead is playing games. Honestly, it's all I've ever done, from when I was in Kindergarten at about 4-6 years old, up until now at 18 years old. Sure, they gave us homework in primary school, which I sometimes did, either way I aced primary school, and even in high school I didn't put much effort into the actual classes, instead focussing most of my time into playing video games. Indeed it is the cause of my grades slipping in my final years of high school and even now they distract me from doing what I need to do.
But what I NEED to do doesn't feel like what I WANT to do anymore. I don't feel that same energy that I used to when I was first doing my 3D animation course last year. I can't get motivated to make anything awesome anymore like I used to back when I started. Back when I started I was investing so many more hours than were necessary, and yet now I don't invest any hours. The only thing I am doing is working on a logo for my brothers DJ name, and even that is only every couple of days I make a small bit of progress. I'm surprised he's still going to pay me considering how long I'm taking...
But the thing is, if I don't actually do something with what I've learnt at my college course, then it'll just feel like a huge waste of a year. In fact, thats what it feels like right now, but even thinking about making attempts to make it a non-waste of time feel pointless. Maybe I'm not cut out for the 3D industry.
In fact it feels like I'm not cut out for life in general. Life where one grows up, gets an education, gets a job, finds a career, meets and has a relationship with a lover, buys a house, pays the bills, has kids, spends the rest of their life working to pay off the house and the bills and pay for everything the kid needs, right up until you retire and then die. I look at this scenario and think to myself "no, this is not what I signed up for," but with the way our society is, if you are not made of money, this is what you are stuck with, whether you like it or not. As far as myself goes, I have grown up in some ways, and I have an education, but that is as far as I've gone, as I feel stuck at the "gets a job" part.
Back to the career side of things, I've thought about seeing what making music is like, or writing stories, or anything else that avoids me doing something where I cannot exercise any creativity whatsoever. But when I think it over in my head, the same scenario plays over in my head for all of them. Get information about particular discipline -> get excited for it -> get an education for it, maintaining excitement -> education for that discipline ends, move to find work for it -> lose interest. I don't know if this is how it will play out, but if my past experience with trying new things is anything to go by, it most likely will be the case. Whenever I've tried to get into something, I get really pumped for it, learn what I can through whatever means available, try it out on a 'mess-around' level, then I just lose interest, usually when I get to complicated stages of the thing I'm looking into.
Of course it's not like I give up on a video-game when it gets complicated and hard (unless it's on "insane" difficulty, which is usually after I've already passed it and am doing it on the hardest difficulty to test myself), which just leads me to think less of myself as it seems like all I am good for is playing video-games. And I'm not even anything special when it comes to that, I'm no speed-running god, or someone who clears the hardest games in the world and makes videos for all to see, nor do I 100% every single song on every guitar hero game ever. I'm nothing extra-ordinary, I'm just ordinary.
So you could say that I have no motivation, as well as that I have no drive either.
It really doesn't look very good for me does it? 18 and still can't look after myself beyond making instant packet meals from the cupboard and perhaps running a load of washing (mum still does that though...).
I really am useless, and now after writing this I feel more justified than before that I am, in fact, useless.
I have thought about suicide before but I don't want to do that, as it would just hurt everyone I know, and then I'd be even worse than useless.
I dunno... I'm a mess...
I basically feel dead inside again. This seems to be happening to me more and more these days. It was only a few weeks ago that this same thing happened and I spent a week in this state, doing very little and causing my family to be very agitated. I think this feeling of emptiness inside is a massive sign of depression, and to tell you the truth I do feel depressed. My train of thought constantly re-centers itself on how much of a failure I am as a person. So let's take a look at that shall we...
I have no car, no job, and have still never had a girlfriend. I am basically a loser. I still survive off fortnightly pocket-money from my parents as I have done since I was in primary school. I have to rely on public transport to get anywhere, I can't buy anything for myself unless I save up my tiny amount of pocket money for months, if not a year, and I feel like a failure for not being able to attract a nice girl. People tell me I shouldn't feel so bad about the girl part but something I read recently regarding parents feeling disappointed that their kids aren't producing grand-kids cannot get my mind off this fact. It went something along the lines of "You are their greatest investment, they have poured love, time, and money into you, so that you may be the best that you can be, but if you cannot attract a girl, then you are a faulty product, and a waste for them."
So basically, when I take that quote there and apply it to myself, I end up with the shocking realization that I am 18 and all I have to show for it is a high-school graduation certificate and soon a diploma of 3D animation. I don't have any awesome awards, or trophies, or "a track record with the ladies", or major accomplishments beyond surviving my education. All I have are a few friends, all of whom are way better off than I am.
My mate B***** has a nice amount of savings, an 80 000 dollar car, lots of work experience in a thriving industry with plenty of potential to grow, and has been with plenty of "hot" girls (though his definition of hot girls is different to mine in that he likes the more 'perfect hollywood' look, refer to my post about my type of girls and its basically the opposite).
My mate B## has about 13 000 dollars in savings, owns a huge amount of games, has his license and is saving that money for a car at the moment, and has lots of work experience in a wide variety of jobs (Shelf stacker -> Kitchen Hand -> Orderly at a hospital -> Baggage Handler -> new job soon once he quits that one). His track record with girls is as bad as mine but it doesn't concern him like it concerns me.
My mate J**** is always having fun drinking or doing other things because he has money from his job at McDonalds. Though he's not that much better off than myself, at least he's enjoying himself.
And my mate B***** seems to be cruising through life rather nicely, with a good family, a job that fits into his study, and a laid-back attitude.
As far as I can see, they are all better off than me, yet I was always the kid who was said to have "so much potential." Either they're right and I've simply let them down, or they were simply wrong all along.
No car, no job, no money, no girl, no social skills. I don't understand how everyone else can be how they are when they get into a public environment and start talking with randoms or whatever. Was I born lacking that gene or something? It's always been really odd for me to watch people being social, as I don't really get much of what is going on. It kills me to no end that I can't just meet people of my own accord, and that I can't really connect with people, also due to what seems to be the way that I think very differently from others (my step-dad and I always have clashes of ways of doing things and how things should be, all the time, and its not just with him).
Also on the subject of no social skills, I was recently at a club with a friend and as I was taking a breather after dancing, and a really cute girl joined me and started talking to me out of nowhere. I was a little awkward (despite being tipsy at least) but she took me to the dance-floor anyway, but from there nothing happened, and my friends were trying to get me to do something but I was clueless as to what to do to progress things or how I should act, so she went her way and nothing happened. Why did I have to be the one to have no social skills when my brother and sister turned out just fine...
I can barely do simple tasks as well. My sister was tasked with teaching me how to clean the toilets properly today and it felt like I was doing it in a daze, she had to keep re-showing me how to do things and had lots of criticism for the ton of mistakes I was making and how long it was taking me to clean 1 toilet. When I think back on it, it's so simple, but when it comes to doing it, it would look to anyone else as though I'd been tasked with defusing a bomb or something. I'm so incompetent... I can mess up the most simple of cooking recipes too.
So where were we... no car, no job, no girl, no social skills, no money. No motivation either. A group of us 3D guys from my college have been working on a 3D short for our reels and I've been tasked with building creation and placement in the city scene we have. We only have a limited amount of time on this since we're doing it for a competition too, I think about 8 weeks left, and I haven't made any buildings or contributed anything useful for the past week and a half at least, closer to 2 weeks to be honest. I'm just not really excited by it anymore, and it's not only this project, but all the ideas I've had for personal projects, I just can't seem to make myself do any of them and it is so depressing because doing these projects so I can boost my reel is one of the ONLY things that will help me land a 3D job in games (or anywhere for that matter).
All I'm doing lately instead is playing games. Honestly, it's all I've ever done, from when I was in Kindergarten at about 4-6 years old, up until now at 18 years old. Sure, they gave us homework in primary school, which I sometimes did, either way I aced primary school, and even in high school I didn't put much effort into the actual classes, instead focussing most of my time into playing video games. Indeed it is the cause of my grades slipping in my final years of high school and even now they distract me from doing what I need to do.
But what I NEED to do doesn't feel like what I WANT to do anymore. I don't feel that same energy that I used to when I was first doing my 3D animation course last year. I can't get motivated to make anything awesome anymore like I used to back when I started. Back when I started I was investing so many more hours than were necessary, and yet now I don't invest any hours. The only thing I am doing is working on a logo for my brothers DJ name, and even that is only every couple of days I make a small bit of progress. I'm surprised he's still going to pay me considering how long I'm taking...
But the thing is, if I don't actually do something with what I've learnt at my college course, then it'll just feel like a huge waste of a year. In fact, thats what it feels like right now, but even thinking about making attempts to make it a non-waste of time feel pointless. Maybe I'm not cut out for the 3D industry.
In fact it feels like I'm not cut out for life in general. Life where one grows up, gets an education, gets a job, finds a career, meets and has a relationship with a lover, buys a house, pays the bills, has kids, spends the rest of their life working to pay off the house and the bills and pay for everything the kid needs, right up until you retire and then die. I look at this scenario and think to myself "no, this is not what I signed up for," but with the way our society is, if you are not made of money, this is what you are stuck with, whether you like it or not. As far as myself goes, I have grown up in some ways, and I have an education, but that is as far as I've gone, as I feel stuck at the "gets a job" part.
Back to the career side of things, I've thought about seeing what making music is like, or writing stories, or anything else that avoids me doing something where I cannot exercise any creativity whatsoever. But when I think it over in my head, the same scenario plays over in my head for all of them. Get information about particular discipline -> get excited for it -> get an education for it, maintaining excitement -> education for that discipline ends, move to find work for it -> lose interest. I don't know if this is how it will play out, but if my past experience with trying new things is anything to go by, it most likely will be the case. Whenever I've tried to get into something, I get really pumped for it, learn what I can through whatever means available, try it out on a 'mess-around' level, then I just lose interest, usually when I get to complicated stages of the thing I'm looking into.
Of course it's not like I give up on a video-game when it gets complicated and hard (unless it's on "insane" difficulty, which is usually after I've already passed it and am doing it on the hardest difficulty to test myself), which just leads me to think less of myself as it seems like all I am good for is playing video-games. And I'm not even anything special when it comes to that, I'm no speed-running god, or someone who clears the hardest games in the world and makes videos for all to see, nor do I 100% every single song on every guitar hero game ever. I'm nothing extra-ordinary, I'm just ordinary.
So you could say that I have no motivation, as well as that I have no drive either.
It really doesn't look very good for me does it? 18 and still can't look after myself beyond making instant packet meals from the cupboard and perhaps running a load of washing (mum still does that though...).
I really am useless, and now after writing this I feel more justified than before that I am, in fact, useless.
I have thought about suicide before but I don't want to do that, as it would just hurt everyone I know, and then I'd be even worse than useless.
I dunno... I'm a mess...
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