It has been 4 months since my last post if my math is correct, so both a lot, and a little, has happened in that time.
On the girl front, I gave up on her quickly, and she ended up going out with some other guy instead. No big loss there as I don't like the ones that play their little mind-games, regardless of the other qualities they might have.
I still don't have a car or bike license and haven't done any lessons for a very long time. As far as car license is concerned, I seriously just DO NOT WANT one. Whenever I think about it my stomach starts to turn itself over inside me, I feel a little nauseous and an overarching sense of fear invades my mind. Funnily enough, the same is not true when I think about working on a bike license but of course, parents won't support it at all so I'm f***ed there.
With my 3D animation, literally nothing has happened there. I've just sort of given up on it up until now, though I'm having recurring thoughts about picking it back up again. I can never seem to act on my ideas of getting back into things though which is really frustrating as I feel kind of powerless, but I'm working on that. I have plans, bold plans, but they might work.
Career wise, I'm having this wierd situation where I feel like I'm in a crisis and am just going to crumble under this pressure I've placed on myself, but the pressure is simply because I'm not making any effort to do 3D or other things, staying content at the bar job I landed 4 months ago when I got trialled at the bar in the city. I feel the pressure is somewhat justified in that all I've done for the past 4 months is worked my job being a glassy at a bar, and while it has been enjoyable having money, it has been mostly un-fulfilling (apart from having lots of social contact and new friends, that has been nice).
So I've been contemplating, as I do constantly, how I can branch out. Obviously I can keep pressing the bar to train me as a bartender behind the bar, but if I can apply myself correctly, I can probably return to 3D animation. I had another idea though, one that I've had for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time but has always seemed just so silly whenever I thought about it, and that is to become a Pro-Gamer. Who honestly thinks that though right? It's like the ultimate competitive gamers dream and I am so bold as to think "hey lets give it a shot," but you don't just BECOME a pro-gamer, you need to earn your place and this is what worries me, that I will not in fact be skilled enough to match up to the established pros. It takes a lot of dedication to be the very best at the game that you play and I currently have 3-4 of my days taken up mostly with working, which limits my playtime substantially.
My big plan, as it were, is to do everything. That's right, 3D animation, bar work, and pro-gaming. Sounds crazy yeh? The thing is, I have a desire to do each of these things, but if I try to focus on one and cut out the other two, then I feel I limit myself. If I don't do 3D animation, I limit myself creatively and in terms of being a nerd in an exciting industry. If I don't do pro-gaming, I limit my ability to make USE of my 12+ years of playing video games (thats a long time for someone who is only 19 in my opinion) by just doing what I do, simply more professionally. If I don't do bar work, I feel that I will stifle my social development (which has been huge since I started working the glassy job). All 3 industries/professions have their pros and cons and I feel like they sort of balance each other out.
The problem with doing all three at once (or at least trying to) is that of having enough hours in a day to do everything, and the inherent lack of free time that I will have by doing this (right now I have too much free time, but this will cause that to become near 0 free time). You need to practice to be a pro-gamer, and practice a lot, the 3D animation job will take up a lot of day hours (as well as personal projects when I get the time), and the bar work will take up a lot of night hours at least. However if I find that I am doing well in 1 or 2 fields and lacking in the other, I can drop the other field and just continue doing what I'm doing and I will probably see much success this way. It's just a matter of the DOING that is hard to initiate as per the usual trend that befalls me.
Maybe this is the best idea I've ever had? Maybe it's the WORST idea I've ever had but I won't know for sure unless I try it. Right now I feel so stifled just doing the one thing, that maybe some variety is what I need beyond recreational video games -> Glassy work.
Also, I haven't been excersizing much as I feel tired enough from work as it is as the glassy work is kinda physically demanding, lots of movement all night long coupled with some portions of moving heavy shit around and going up and down stairs all through the night so I feel that that is a workout enough for someone that just wants to stay in shape and not become a total slob. My eating has been up and down but I feel that I can steer myself back into the up again as I'm going to be attempting to incorporate more meals of eggs into my day, more fruit, no cookies or bars when I go get subway (which is always loaded with veggies and meatballs or chicken), getting pro-active about acquiring my own ingredients so I can make my own food etc. It mainly requires a lot of willpower more than anything so I just need to pull myself together mainly.
And I did hook up with a cute asian girl that sort of picked me up while I was working one of my shifts and we ended up going to another nightclub later to dance, she got drunk, I took her home, and we had sex :O OMG moment for me at the time I was like so proud of myself for being such a stud lol, but the whole experience has had a few odd side effects on me which don't seem to be consistent with everyone else descriptions of "oh man it'll be the best thing ever blah blah blah fuck hot chicks blah blah."
1) I actually found the sex to be kind of boring. Honestly I enjoyed the blowjob the most but found the sex to be... underwhelming, tiresome, and generally just... meh.
2) Because of this, I feel like I just don't want to pursue anything with girls anymore. I'm not turning gay or anything, but it just feels like I would rather not bother with trying to hook up with girls given that the "payoff" is way too low compared to the effort put into it.
3) Funnily enough, because of this, I have an easier time just having casual chats with girls, because I have no intentions of hooking up with them or whatever, and as a result, I'm getting flirted with a lot more, probably because I give off the "totally detached and non-clingy cool guy" aura that most of the ladies men give off, but I'm not utilising it at all. It's not like I've become a pick up artist overnight or anything, but something has definitely swung into my favor, not that I'm making use of it though.
4) This does feel me feeling slightly empty though, as suddenly, girls are a non-issue, so what do I do later in life when it comes time to find a partner to have kids with? Am I just gonna be one of those people that never settles down? Will I end up with a partner that cheats on me all the time because I don't satisfy her carnal desires enough? Will I just have a stagnant relationship because so much of our society seems based off sex these days that not being a part of that seems to carry a stigma with it. Maybe I just truly am one of those people who just needs some companionship from time to time and thats about it (nothing wrong with that in my eyes).
5) It seems easier to make female friends in all of this, which is nice, as it was a long time since I had a female friend up until recently.
So there you have it. Can't think of anything else to add at this stage other than though I may endeavour to keep this blog updated more often, I doubt anyone reads it anyway and I just lose track of shit so whatever. I'll go about it as I go.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Progress progress progress...
I'm just going to blather on as I can't be bothered with a properly structured post right now. I'm running off about 4 hours sleep and I don't cope too well with less than half my normal amount of sleep, so on with the show!
Firstly, I'm trying something new and exciting. I've always been saying that I'd love to get a job behind a bar, and now I'm on my way to making that a reality. I got my Responsible Service of Alcohol License and did a bar skills course very very recently, and in the past week have handed out almost 50 resumes across my home city and the surrounding areas that I have easy access to. I've already had 2 job offers, one that I turned down because it seemed dodgy, but I have accepted a trial shift for the second job working as a Glassy in a bar in the city. Even if It isn't a straight up bar job, it provides me with hospitality experience and avenues to progress through in-bar training when its quieter. I look forward to the 15th of the month!
I also got a girls number about two weeks ago. This is the same girl that I fawned over a few months back who I worked with at McDonalds. We seemed to hit it off after a random encounter at a different McDonalds where she was just getting something to eat. I've tried calling her 3 times since then without any luck so I hope she didn't get cold feet or just give me her number with no intention of ever picking up when I call. I'm really sweet on her, but if she keeps playing "Hard to get," I will just move on, as I don't like childish games.
Parents have now said they'll pay for me to get driving lessons (of course when I asked about getting paid motorbike lessons instead, they got mad, so I'm going to have to do those with my own money and most likely in secret). I've looked through a bunch of schools, the price difference is really minimal, I'm just going to be checking to see if they do the service where you start wherever you start, and when you finish, you arrange to be dropping yourself off somewhere, like outside where you work or to a friends place or even home. Convenience convenience :)
I have been excersizing most days, though after some of my resume hand-in days and some really busy days I don't go on the treadmill because my legs are already super sore from 5+ hours of walking all over the place, so it is probably still fine. I'm still trying to eat healthy where I can.
What else is there... not much else to report really. Making progress on all fronts :)
I love being me. If there is something about me that I don't love right away, I will make it so that I improve it or change it so that I do love me entirely. I will conquer the challenges that stand in my way, and live the life that I want to, no matter how hard that is to do, I will find a way.
Firstly, I'm trying something new and exciting. I've always been saying that I'd love to get a job behind a bar, and now I'm on my way to making that a reality. I got my Responsible Service of Alcohol License and did a bar skills course very very recently, and in the past week have handed out almost 50 resumes across my home city and the surrounding areas that I have easy access to. I've already had 2 job offers, one that I turned down because it seemed dodgy, but I have accepted a trial shift for the second job working as a Glassy in a bar in the city. Even if It isn't a straight up bar job, it provides me with hospitality experience and avenues to progress through in-bar training when its quieter. I look forward to the 15th of the month!
I also got a girls number about two weeks ago. This is the same girl that I fawned over a few months back who I worked with at McDonalds. We seemed to hit it off after a random encounter at a different McDonalds where she was just getting something to eat. I've tried calling her 3 times since then without any luck so I hope she didn't get cold feet or just give me her number with no intention of ever picking up when I call. I'm really sweet on her, but if she keeps playing "Hard to get," I will just move on, as I don't like childish games.
Parents have now said they'll pay for me to get driving lessons (of course when I asked about getting paid motorbike lessons instead, they got mad, so I'm going to have to do those with my own money and most likely in secret). I've looked through a bunch of schools, the price difference is really minimal, I'm just going to be checking to see if they do the service where you start wherever you start, and when you finish, you arrange to be dropping yourself off somewhere, like outside where you work or to a friends place or even home. Convenience convenience :)
I have been excersizing most days, though after some of my resume hand-in days and some really busy days I don't go on the treadmill because my legs are already super sore from 5+ hours of walking all over the place, so it is probably still fine. I'm still trying to eat healthy where I can.
What else is there... not much else to report really. Making progress on all fronts :)
I love being me. If there is something about me that I don't love right away, I will make it so that I improve it or change it so that I do love me entirely. I will conquer the challenges that stand in my way, and live the life that I want to, no matter how hard that is to do, I will find a way.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Epic Rebound!
Ok, for anyone keeping up with my writings, my previous post was me feeling like an absolute failure, a worthless existence etc. I was at the bottom of a deep deep well with no way out, with no hope for escape. Little did I realize, I had a grappling hook with me all along so that I could fish myself out of there and live the life I deserve.
It's hard to say exactly how I did break out of my downward spiral though. I read a couple of e-books on self help, all with the major issue of dealing with mental attitudes towards... everything. With these new ideas that I was in control of my thoughts, and that I could have the universe at my fingertips if I only gave the universe my attention, I was empowered.
I realized that before, most of what I was doing was to seek approval from those around me, be they friends, family, or others. So I asked myself "why do I need their approval at all? What is so great about that?" I rediscovered my ambition for 3D now that I had broken out of the mindset that I was doing it for others, as it really only matters that I do it for myself. Just like the fact that It doesn't matter how much my parents disapprove of me wanting a motorbike license, I'm going to get one either way, death shall be the only thing that stops me.
I also developed a new mental attitude towards social situations. I identified that most of my problems with being social stem from a general lack of confidence, so I went to work on that. I have a powerful attitude now that confidence is my own choice. Just the other day, I walked into an animation studio and asked the receptionist if I could speak to one of the higher ups about work experience or employment. She fetched the lady in charge of recruiting and we had a 5-10 minute chat about all things relevant. I was calm and confident in my own abilities and left a good impression and a genuine smile on her face. This is because I believe in my own abilities and skills, and I also believe that if my abilities and skills are not good enough at the time, I have the power to improve on them to the point where they exceed what is needed. A few weeks ago I could've seen myself walking into the studio, shuffling about nervously, tripping over my words, and giving off the impression that I am desperate for work, lack confidence, and would be a waste of time giving work experience to.
I don't hurry to peoples beck and call because I am the master of my own universe. I assert myself when people bring up values that clash with my own. I can look people in the eye without feeling the need to quickly glance away (most of the time, its still a bit of a habit but I'm breaking out of those, such as I don't bite my nails or lip because I am relaxed in my own skin). I walk as though the world will still be waiting for me if I just take my time for a few minutes.
I'm taking steps to move forward with my life in general. Talking to the animation studios in person is a big one, and although I have prior obligations keeping me from doing that today and tomorrow, I will continue to make the time to go see these people and make them feel that taking me on for work experience is a good idea. I also still want to do bar work, which is why I have booked a 1 day course for tomorrow where I will go and get my "Responsible Service of Alcohol" license, which will allow me to work in bars, bottle-shops, clubs etc.
I have also successfully gotten myself into a workout routine that doesn't feel forced. Rather than it getting to nighttime and thinking to myself "ah its kinda late, I think I'll do that run tomorrow," I think to myself "hey lets go for a night run." We have a treadmill now and I've been using that for over a week now, and though I am unfit, I still manage 9-10 minutes at the moment running at 8km/h. I also do push-ups and sit-ups afterwards, without feeling the need to force myself to do them. I don't do them because someone told me that it'd make me a healthier person, I do all of that because I WANT to be a healthier person. I want to be a healthier person so that I can maximize the effectiveness of my physical self, so I am capable of defending myself when shit hits the fan, and simply so I can feel good!
I am also eating way healthier too, also because I WANT to be a healthier person. I've traded my bowl of weet-bix crunch in the mornings (which isn't too bad to begin with) for Muesli + Honey (add toast if I'm still hungry) or Multi-grain/Hi-bran weet-bix with honey on top. Lunch is the most difficult one but I usually have an apple with some toast, usually using blue-berry spread on top instead of peanut butter or vegemite, and I would like to find more fruits I like for lunch so I can expand the palette. Dinner has always usually been healthy, with whatever myself or my parents cook usually involving a nice amount of peas and carrots, possibly potato, possibly pumpkin, possibly tomato, all with some kind of meat served in some way. Also we usually have egg on toast, boiled, scrambled or BBQ cooked, its all good. For snacks, I avoid the brunch bars in the cupboard and go for apples instead (and would like to have bananas but we don't have any at the moment :( .
I usually save playing video games for night-time now, unless I don't have any pressing issues to sort out or deadlines to meet. Keeps my days more productive. Speaking of days, I'm also going to sleep earlier and getting up earlier, so that I may actually do more with my time.
All in all, I feel better than I've felt in years, and I know it's not going to stop, because I believe in myself and where I'm heading with life. Really, all that is left now is to actually get a job (which I'm working towards) and get more used to talking to girls than I currently am.
Feels good man.
It's hard to say exactly how I did break out of my downward spiral though. I read a couple of e-books on self help, all with the major issue of dealing with mental attitudes towards... everything. With these new ideas that I was in control of my thoughts, and that I could have the universe at my fingertips if I only gave the universe my attention, I was empowered.
I realized that before, most of what I was doing was to seek approval from those around me, be they friends, family, or others. So I asked myself "why do I need their approval at all? What is so great about that?" I rediscovered my ambition for 3D now that I had broken out of the mindset that I was doing it for others, as it really only matters that I do it for myself. Just like the fact that It doesn't matter how much my parents disapprove of me wanting a motorbike license, I'm going to get one either way, death shall be the only thing that stops me.
I also developed a new mental attitude towards social situations. I identified that most of my problems with being social stem from a general lack of confidence, so I went to work on that. I have a powerful attitude now that confidence is my own choice. Just the other day, I walked into an animation studio and asked the receptionist if I could speak to one of the higher ups about work experience or employment. She fetched the lady in charge of recruiting and we had a 5-10 minute chat about all things relevant. I was calm and confident in my own abilities and left a good impression and a genuine smile on her face. This is because I believe in my own abilities and skills, and I also believe that if my abilities and skills are not good enough at the time, I have the power to improve on them to the point where they exceed what is needed. A few weeks ago I could've seen myself walking into the studio, shuffling about nervously, tripping over my words, and giving off the impression that I am desperate for work, lack confidence, and would be a waste of time giving work experience to.
I don't hurry to peoples beck and call because I am the master of my own universe. I assert myself when people bring up values that clash with my own. I can look people in the eye without feeling the need to quickly glance away (most of the time, its still a bit of a habit but I'm breaking out of those, such as I don't bite my nails or lip because I am relaxed in my own skin). I walk as though the world will still be waiting for me if I just take my time for a few minutes.
I'm taking steps to move forward with my life in general. Talking to the animation studios in person is a big one, and although I have prior obligations keeping me from doing that today and tomorrow, I will continue to make the time to go see these people and make them feel that taking me on for work experience is a good idea. I also still want to do bar work, which is why I have booked a 1 day course for tomorrow where I will go and get my "Responsible Service of Alcohol" license, which will allow me to work in bars, bottle-shops, clubs etc.
I have also successfully gotten myself into a workout routine that doesn't feel forced. Rather than it getting to nighttime and thinking to myself "ah its kinda late, I think I'll do that run tomorrow," I think to myself "hey lets go for a night run." We have a treadmill now and I've been using that for over a week now, and though I am unfit, I still manage 9-10 minutes at the moment running at 8km/h. I also do push-ups and sit-ups afterwards, without feeling the need to force myself to do them. I don't do them because someone told me that it'd make me a healthier person, I do all of that because I WANT to be a healthier person. I want to be a healthier person so that I can maximize the effectiveness of my physical self, so I am capable of defending myself when shit hits the fan, and simply so I can feel good!
I am also eating way healthier too, also because I WANT to be a healthier person. I've traded my bowl of weet-bix crunch in the mornings (which isn't too bad to begin with) for Muesli + Honey (add toast if I'm still hungry) or Multi-grain/Hi-bran weet-bix with honey on top. Lunch is the most difficult one but I usually have an apple with some toast, usually using blue-berry spread on top instead of peanut butter or vegemite, and I would like to find more fruits I like for lunch so I can expand the palette. Dinner has always usually been healthy, with whatever myself or my parents cook usually involving a nice amount of peas and carrots, possibly potato, possibly pumpkin, possibly tomato, all with some kind of meat served in some way. Also we usually have egg on toast, boiled, scrambled or BBQ cooked, its all good. For snacks, I avoid the brunch bars in the cupboard and go for apples instead (and would like to have bananas but we don't have any at the moment :( .
I usually save playing video games for night-time now, unless I don't have any pressing issues to sort out or deadlines to meet. Keeps my days more productive. Speaking of days, I'm also going to sleep earlier and getting up earlier, so that I may actually do more with my time.
All in all, I feel better than I've felt in years, and I know it's not going to stop, because I believe in myself and where I'm heading with life. Really, all that is left now is to actually get a job (which I'm working towards) and get more used to talking to girls than I currently am.
Feels good man.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Current mood - Despair
That's pretty much it. Right now everything feels hopeless. There's so much and so little to say about it at the same time. I'll probably just end up rambling incoherently but I may as well get this down anyway.
I basically feel dead inside again. This seems to be happening to me more and more these days. It was only a few weeks ago that this same thing happened and I spent a week in this state, doing very little and causing my family to be very agitated. I think this feeling of emptiness inside is a massive sign of depression, and to tell you the truth I do feel depressed. My train of thought constantly re-centers itself on how much of a failure I am as a person. So let's take a look at that shall we...
I have no car, no job, and have still never had a girlfriend. I am basically a loser. I still survive off fortnightly pocket-money from my parents as I have done since I was in primary school. I have to rely on public transport to get anywhere, I can't buy anything for myself unless I save up my tiny amount of pocket money for months, if not a year, and I feel like a failure for not being able to attract a nice girl. People tell me I shouldn't feel so bad about the girl part but something I read recently regarding parents feeling disappointed that their kids aren't producing grand-kids cannot get my mind off this fact. It went something along the lines of "You are their greatest investment, they have poured love, time, and money into you, so that you may be the best that you can be, but if you cannot attract a girl, then you are a faulty product, and a waste for them."
So basically, when I take that quote there and apply it to myself, I end up with the shocking realization that I am 18 and all I have to show for it is a high-school graduation certificate and soon a diploma of 3D animation. I don't have any awesome awards, or trophies, or "a track record with the ladies", or major accomplishments beyond surviving my education. All I have are a few friends, all of whom are way better off than I am.
My mate B***** has a nice amount of savings, an 80 000 dollar car, lots of work experience in a thriving industry with plenty of potential to grow, and has been with plenty of "hot" girls (though his definition of hot girls is different to mine in that he likes the more 'perfect hollywood' look, refer to my post about my type of girls and its basically the opposite).
My mate B## has about 13 000 dollars in savings, owns a huge amount of games, has his license and is saving that money for a car at the moment, and has lots of work experience in a wide variety of jobs (Shelf stacker -> Kitchen Hand -> Orderly at a hospital -> Baggage Handler -> new job soon once he quits that one). His track record with girls is as bad as mine but it doesn't concern him like it concerns me.
My mate J**** is always having fun drinking or doing other things because he has money from his job at McDonalds. Though he's not that much better off than myself, at least he's enjoying himself.
And my mate B***** seems to be cruising through life rather nicely, with a good family, a job that fits into his study, and a laid-back attitude.
As far as I can see, they are all better off than me, yet I was always the kid who was said to have "so much potential." Either they're right and I've simply let them down, or they were simply wrong all along.
No car, no job, no money, no girl, no social skills. I don't understand how everyone else can be how they are when they get into a public environment and start talking with randoms or whatever. Was I born lacking that gene or something? It's always been really odd for me to watch people being social, as I don't really get much of what is going on. It kills me to no end that I can't just meet people of my own accord, and that I can't really connect with people, also due to what seems to be the way that I think very differently from others (my step-dad and I always have clashes of ways of doing things and how things should be, all the time, and its not just with him).
Also on the subject of no social skills, I was recently at a club with a friend and as I was taking a breather after dancing, and a really cute girl joined me and started talking to me out of nowhere. I was a little awkward (despite being tipsy at least) but she took me to the dance-floor anyway, but from there nothing happened, and my friends were trying to get me to do something but I was clueless as to what to do to progress things or how I should act, so she went her way and nothing happened. Why did I have to be the one to have no social skills when my brother and sister turned out just fine...
I can barely do simple tasks as well. My sister was tasked with teaching me how to clean the toilets properly today and it felt like I was doing it in a daze, she had to keep re-showing me how to do things and had lots of criticism for the ton of mistakes I was making and how long it was taking me to clean 1 toilet. When I think back on it, it's so simple, but when it comes to doing it, it would look to anyone else as though I'd been tasked with defusing a bomb or something. I'm so incompetent... I can mess up the most simple of cooking recipes too.
So where were we... no car, no job, no girl, no social skills, no money. No motivation either. A group of us 3D guys from my college have been working on a 3D short for our reels and I've been tasked with building creation and placement in the city scene we have. We only have a limited amount of time on this since we're doing it for a competition too, I think about 8 weeks left, and I haven't made any buildings or contributed anything useful for the past week and a half at least, closer to 2 weeks to be honest. I'm just not really excited by it anymore, and it's not only this project, but all the ideas I've had for personal projects, I just can't seem to make myself do any of them and it is so depressing because doing these projects so I can boost my reel is one of the ONLY things that will help me land a 3D job in games (or anywhere for that matter).
All I'm doing lately instead is playing games. Honestly, it's all I've ever done, from when I was in Kindergarten at about 4-6 years old, up until now at 18 years old. Sure, they gave us homework in primary school, which I sometimes did, either way I aced primary school, and even in high school I didn't put much effort into the actual classes, instead focussing most of my time into playing video games. Indeed it is the cause of my grades slipping in my final years of high school and even now they distract me from doing what I need to do.
But what I NEED to do doesn't feel like what I WANT to do anymore. I don't feel that same energy that I used to when I was first doing my 3D animation course last year. I can't get motivated to make anything awesome anymore like I used to back when I started. Back when I started I was investing so many more hours than were necessary, and yet now I don't invest any hours. The only thing I am doing is working on a logo for my brothers DJ name, and even that is only every couple of days I make a small bit of progress. I'm surprised he's still going to pay me considering how long I'm taking...
But the thing is, if I don't actually do something with what I've learnt at my college course, then it'll just feel like a huge waste of a year. In fact, thats what it feels like right now, but even thinking about making attempts to make it a non-waste of time feel pointless. Maybe I'm not cut out for the 3D industry.
In fact it feels like I'm not cut out for life in general. Life where one grows up, gets an education, gets a job, finds a career, meets and has a relationship with a lover, buys a house, pays the bills, has kids, spends the rest of their life working to pay off the house and the bills and pay for everything the kid needs, right up until you retire and then die. I look at this scenario and think to myself "no, this is not what I signed up for," but with the way our society is, if you are not made of money, this is what you are stuck with, whether you like it or not. As far as myself goes, I have grown up in some ways, and I have an education, but that is as far as I've gone, as I feel stuck at the "gets a job" part.
Back to the career side of things, I've thought about seeing what making music is like, or writing stories, or anything else that avoids me doing something where I cannot exercise any creativity whatsoever. But when I think it over in my head, the same scenario plays over in my head for all of them. Get information about particular discipline -> get excited for it -> get an education for it, maintaining excitement -> education for that discipline ends, move to find work for it -> lose interest. I don't know if this is how it will play out, but if my past experience with trying new things is anything to go by, it most likely will be the case. Whenever I've tried to get into something, I get really pumped for it, learn what I can through whatever means available, try it out on a 'mess-around' level, then I just lose interest, usually when I get to complicated stages of the thing I'm looking into.
Of course it's not like I give up on a video-game when it gets complicated and hard (unless it's on "insane" difficulty, which is usually after I've already passed it and am doing it on the hardest difficulty to test myself), which just leads me to think less of myself as it seems like all I am good for is playing video-games. And I'm not even anything special when it comes to that, I'm no speed-running god, or someone who clears the hardest games in the world and makes videos for all to see, nor do I 100% every single song on every guitar hero game ever. I'm nothing extra-ordinary, I'm just ordinary.
So you could say that I have no motivation, as well as that I have no drive either.
It really doesn't look very good for me does it? 18 and still can't look after myself beyond making instant packet meals from the cupboard and perhaps running a load of washing (mum still does that though...).
I really am useless, and now after writing this I feel more justified than before that I am, in fact, useless.
I have thought about suicide before but I don't want to do that, as it would just hurt everyone I know, and then I'd be even worse than useless.
I dunno... I'm a mess...
I basically feel dead inside again. This seems to be happening to me more and more these days. It was only a few weeks ago that this same thing happened and I spent a week in this state, doing very little and causing my family to be very agitated. I think this feeling of emptiness inside is a massive sign of depression, and to tell you the truth I do feel depressed. My train of thought constantly re-centers itself on how much of a failure I am as a person. So let's take a look at that shall we...
I have no car, no job, and have still never had a girlfriend. I am basically a loser. I still survive off fortnightly pocket-money from my parents as I have done since I was in primary school. I have to rely on public transport to get anywhere, I can't buy anything for myself unless I save up my tiny amount of pocket money for months, if not a year, and I feel like a failure for not being able to attract a nice girl. People tell me I shouldn't feel so bad about the girl part but something I read recently regarding parents feeling disappointed that their kids aren't producing grand-kids cannot get my mind off this fact. It went something along the lines of "You are their greatest investment, they have poured love, time, and money into you, so that you may be the best that you can be, but if you cannot attract a girl, then you are a faulty product, and a waste for them."
So basically, when I take that quote there and apply it to myself, I end up with the shocking realization that I am 18 and all I have to show for it is a high-school graduation certificate and soon a diploma of 3D animation. I don't have any awesome awards, or trophies, or "a track record with the ladies", or major accomplishments beyond surviving my education. All I have are a few friends, all of whom are way better off than I am.
My mate B***** has a nice amount of savings, an 80 000 dollar car, lots of work experience in a thriving industry with plenty of potential to grow, and has been with plenty of "hot" girls (though his definition of hot girls is different to mine in that he likes the more 'perfect hollywood' look, refer to my post about my type of girls and its basically the opposite).
My mate B## has about 13 000 dollars in savings, owns a huge amount of games, has his license and is saving that money for a car at the moment, and has lots of work experience in a wide variety of jobs (Shelf stacker -> Kitchen Hand -> Orderly at a hospital -> Baggage Handler -> new job soon once he quits that one). His track record with girls is as bad as mine but it doesn't concern him like it concerns me.
My mate J**** is always having fun drinking or doing other things because he has money from his job at McDonalds. Though he's not that much better off than myself, at least he's enjoying himself.
And my mate B***** seems to be cruising through life rather nicely, with a good family, a job that fits into his study, and a laid-back attitude.
As far as I can see, they are all better off than me, yet I was always the kid who was said to have "so much potential." Either they're right and I've simply let them down, or they were simply wrong all along.
No car, no job, no money, no girl, no social skills. I don't understand how everyone else can be how they are when they get into a public environment and start talking with randoms or whatever. Was I born lacking that gene or something? It's always been really odd for me to watch people being social, as I don't really get much of what is going on. It kills me to no end that I can't just meet people of my own accord, and that I can't really connect with people, also due to what seems to be the way that I think very differently from others (my step-dad and I always have clashes of ways of doing things and how things should be, all the time, and its not just with him).
Also on the subject of no social skills, I was recently at a club with a friend and as I was taking a breather after dancing, and a really cute girl joined me and started talking to me out of nowhere. I was a little awkward (despite being tipsy at least) but she took me to the dance-floor anyway, but from there nothing happened, and my friends were trying to get me to do something but I was clueless as to what to do to progress things or how I should act, so she went her way and nothing happened. Why did I have to be the one to have no social skills when my brother and sister turned out just fine...
I can barely do simple tasks as well. My sister was tasked with teaching me how to clean the toilets properly today and it felt like I was doing it in a daze, she had to keep re-showing me how to do things and had lots of criticism for the ton of mistakes I was making and how long it was taking me to clean 1 toilet. When I think back on it, it's so simple, but when it comes to doing it, it would look to anyone else as though I'd been tasked with defusing a bomb or something. I'm so incompetent... I can mess up the most simple of cooking recipes too.
So where were we... no car, no job, no girl, no social skills, no money. No motivation either. A group of us 3D guys from my college have been working on a 3D short for our reels and I've been tasked with building creation and placement in the city scene we have. We only have a limited amount of time on this since we're doing it for a competition too, I think about 8 weeks left, and I haven't made any buildings or contributed anything useful for the past week and a half at least, closer to 2 weeks to be honest. I'm just not really excited by it anymore, and it's not only this project, but all the ideas I've had for personal projects, I just can't seem to make myself do any of them and it is so depressing because doing these projects so I can boost my reel is one of the ONLY things that will help me land a 3D job in games (or anywhere for that matter).
All I'm doing lately instead is playing games. Honestly, it's all I've ever done, from when I was in Kindergarten at about 4-6 years old, up until now at 18 years old. Sure, they gave us homework in primary school, which I sometimes did, either way I aced primary school, and even in high school I didn't put much effort into the actual classes, instead focussing most of my time into playing video games. Indeed it is the cause of my grades slipping in my final years of high school and even now they distract me from doing what I need to do.
But what I NEED to do doesn't feel like what I WANT to do anymore. I don't feel that same energy that I used to when I was first doing my 3D animation course last year. I can't get motivated to make anything awesome anymore like I used to back when I started. Back when I started I was investing so many more hours than were necessary, and yet now I don't invest any hours. The only thing I am doing is working on a logo for my brothers DJ name, and even that is only every couple of days I make a small bit of progress. I'm surprised he's still going to pay me considering how long I'm taking...
But the thing is, if I don't actually do something with what I've learnt at my college course, then it'll just feel like a huge waste of a year. In fact, thats what it feels like right now, but even thinking about making attempts to make it a non-waste of time feel pointless. Maybe I'm not cut out for the 3D industry.
In fact it feels like I'm not cut out for life in general. Life where one grows up, gets an education, gets a job, finds a career, meets and has a relationship with a lover, buys a house, pays the bills, has kids, spends the rest of their life working to pay off the house and the bills and pay for everything the kid needs, right up until you retire and then die. I look at this scenario and think to myself "no, this is not what I signed up for," but with the way our society is, if you are not made of money, this is what you are stuck with, whether you like it or not. As far as myself goes, I have grown up in some ways, and I have an education, but that is as far as I've gone, as I feel stuck at the "gets a job" part.
Back to the career side of things, I've thought about seeing what making music is like, or writing stories, or anything else that avoids me doing something where I cannot exercise any creativity whatsoever. But when I think it over in my head, the same scenario plays over in my head for all of them. Get information about particular discipline -> get excited for it -> get an education for it, maintaining excitement -> education for that discipline ends, move to find work for it -> lose interest. I don't know if this is how it will play out, but if my past experience with trying new things is anything to go by, it most likely will be the case. Whenever I've tried to get into something, I get really pumped for it, learn what I can through whatever means available, try it out on a 'mess-around' level, then I just lose interest, usually when I get to complicated stages of the thing I'm looking into.
Of course it's not like I give up on a video-game when it gets complicated and hard (unless it's on "insane" difficulty, which is usually after I've already passed it and am doing it on the hardest difficulty to test myself), which just leads me to think less of myself as it seems like all I am good for is playing video-games. And I'm not even anything special when it comes to that, I'm no speed-running god, or someone who clears the hardest games in the world and makes videos for all to see, nor do I 100% every single song on every guitar hero game ever. I'm nothing extra-ordinary, I'm just ordinary.
So you could say that I have no motivation, as well as that I have no drive either.
It really doesn't look very good for me does it? 18 and still can't look after myself beyond making instant packet meals from the cupboard and perhaps running a load of washing (mum still does that though...).
I really am useless, and now after writing this I feel more justified than before that I am, in fact, useless.
I have thought about suicide before but I don't want to do that, as it would just hurt everyone I know, and then I'd be even worse than useless.
I dunno... I'm a mess...
Monday, April 19, 2010
NYE Resolutions update 2 (I think)
Yeah I'm pretty sure this is the second update, anyway, what's new with my resolutions eh? Let's think for a moment...
Eating Healthy - Haven't really been making an effort to, so no positives to be seen here, on the plus side I haven't been eating any worse than usual lol.
Excersize - Complete fail, indeed not long ago, I had a period where I didn't even see sunlight for 12 days ;D but my sunlight avoidance is over (was sort of a depressive state or something, I still can't figure out what was goin on).
Girls - Fail as usual, but it's not any worse again which is good lol.
Sleeping pattern - There are signs of improvement but then I just have 1 fail and I'm back to square 1. I had a few days in a row of getting to sleep at good hours and then BAM, 1 night where I slip up and go to bed at 2-3 am and I'm back to where I started, frustratingly trying to gradually change my body-clock back to a reasonable hour. However, tonight it's only 11:40pm as I type this so once I type this I'm getting off and seeing how I go considering last night I got 4 hours of sleep, falling asleep at this point should be no problem right?
In the words of my friend, 'Mileage may vary.' ;D
What else...
Instruments - I downloaded a bunch of trial versions of programs that are used to make songs that sound very much like they're out of retro video-games so I'll be giving those a whirl at some point. Other than that, no progress because I have no money to buy a Saxophone because I don't have a job.
Which brings me to my next point.
Breaking into the 3D industry - now this I've been trying to do more than the rest but I've been knocked back by quite a few companies now so no luck so far. I did meet with a bunch of Indie game developers where I live though which was cool as I got to learn about the industry, share a drink, hear some stories etc. I'm now doing some pre-alpha testing of a video-game for one of those guys and having some fun with it so maybe I could put that on my resume if I'm successful enough? It's not an epic huge blockbuster title but it still gives me the opportunity to do some QA testing which I've never done before.
While I'm working on getting into the 3D industry, I've started applying for part time jobs in retail. I quit my job at McDonald's about a month and a bit ago so I have had no money because of that but it wasn't worth it at McDonald's anyway. I'm currently trying to get a job in video game retail because I actually have the knowledge about video games to do it and I figure it could be more fun. Hopefully I start hearing the word Interview from a few phone calls soon, fingers crossed.
Car/Motorbike License - No progress to report at all. I will get onto this soon, It's just not at the top of my priority list right now.
Move out - Nope
I think that covers all that I had written down for my NYE resolutions. Something I'm adding to that not as a resolution but as a goal of mine, is to be practicing 3D for at least 1 hour per day, so that I can keep my skills sharp. Lately I've had multiple days where I don't even open up the 3D package so it is paramount that I do this to avoid simply losing myself to procrastination. I'm also gonna learn Python scripting language (I think the latest 2.# version, since the 3.# versions are test ones, I think, not sure, will check later).
So I haven't had much progress :S
BUT
My friend and his cousin have made a pact to do a few things by a certain amount of years time, akin to my resolutions but over many years instead of just 1. I talked to my friend and we figure that it'll be easier to keep on track with our goals and motivated if we help each other out as much as possible. He wants a number of the same goals as me, eg, eating healthy, being fit, improving financial situation etc, and then a few of his own, involving racing go-karts/Formula Fords and other things. So I believe we can help each other out, though the main motivation has to come from within, and I know that I truly want to improve myself by doing the above things.
After all, as courage wolf says, "Better to die of thirst, than drink from the cup of mediocrity." (Yes I love courage wolf, makes me feel good just reading them :D).
Eating Healthy - Haven't really been making an effort to, so no positives to be seen here, on the plus side I haven't been eating any worse than usual lol.
Excersize - Complete fail, indeed not long ago, I had a period where I didn't even see sunlight for 12 days ;D but my sunlight avoidance is over (was sort of a depressive state or something, I still can't figure out what was goin on).
Girls - Fail as usual, but it's not any worse again which is good lol.
Sleeping pattern - There are signs of improvement but then I just have 1 fail and I'm back to square 1. I had a few days in a row of getting to sleep at good hours and then BAM, 1 night where I slip up and go to bed at 2-3 am and I'm back to where I started, frustratingly trying to gradually change my body-clock back to a reasonable hour. However, tonight it's only 11:40pm as I type this so once I type this I'm getting off and seeing how I go considering last night I got 4 hours of sleep, falling asleep at this point should be no problem right?
In the words of my friend, 'Mileage may vary.' ;D
What else...
Instruments - I downloaded a bunch of trial versions of programs that are used to make songs that sound very much like they're out of retro video-games so I'll be giving those a whirl at some point. Other than that, no progress because I have no money to buy a Saxophone because I don't have a job.
Which brings me to my next point.
Breaking into the 3D industry - now this I've been trying to do more than the rest but I've been knocked back by quite a few companies now so no luck so far. I did meet with a bunch of Indie game developers where I live though which was cool as I got to learn about the industry, share a drink, hear some stories etc. I'm now doing some pre-alpha testing of a video-game for one of those guys and having some fun with it so maybe I could put that on my resume if I'm successful enough? It's not an epic huge blockbuster title but it still gives me the opportunity to do some QA testing which I've never done before.
While I'm working on getting into the 3D industry, I've started applying for part time jobs in retail. I quit my job at McDonald's about a month and a bit ago so I have had no money because of that but it wasn't worth it at McDonald's anyway. I'm currently trying to get a job in video game retail because I actually have the knowledge about video games to do it and I figure it could be more fun. Hopefully I start hearing the word Interview from a few phone calls soon, fingers crossed.
Car/Motorbike License - No progress to report at all. I will get onto this soon, It's just not at the top of my priority list right now.
Move out - Nope
I think that covers all that I had written down for my NYE resolutions. Something I'm adding to that not as a resolution but as a goal of mine, is to be practicing 3D for at least 1 hour per day, so that I can keep my skills sharp. Lately I've had multiple days where I don't even open up the 3D package so it is paramount that I do this to avoid simply losing myself to procrastination. I'm also gonna learn Python scripting language (I think the latest 2.# version, since the 3.# versions are test ones, I think, not sure, will check later).
So I haven't had much progress :S
BUT
My friend and his cousin have made a pact to do a few things by a certain amount of years time, akin to my resolutions but over many years instead of just 1. I talked to my friend and we figure that it'll be easier to keep on track with our goals and motivated if we help each other out as much as possible. He wants a number of the same goals as me, eg, eating healthy, being fit, improving financial situation etc, and then a few of his own, involving racing go-karts/Formula Fords and other things. So I believe we can help each other out, though the main motivation has to come from within, and I know that I truly want to improve myself by doing the above things.
After all, as courage wolf says, "Better to die of thirst, than drink from the cup of mediocrity." (Yes I love courage wolf, makes me feel good just reading them :D).
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
"Mate, there are 2 things in life that will give you grief, cars and...
...Women." That's what my step-dad once told me a year or two ago, and he's sort of on the right track too. This post I want to talk about women in a bit more depth, but not on some sort of "lol look at me I know and understand everything about women perfectly" rant, but to sort of analyze my preferences and how far detached they seem to be from the majority of society.
You see, most of society will probably think that I'm some kind of fucked up wierdo for this but I do not find supermodels attractive at all. Even the ones that aren't stick thin and actually look healthy do not do anything for me at all. Something about the "perfection" that they supposedly have in their physicality is actually quite the turn-off for me.
The most prominent example of this is that I not only find Megan Fox UN-ATTRACTIVE, but REPULSIVE! I remember telling a friend of mine this who thinks she is incredibly hawt and his reaction was hilarious. One of the things he said to me was "So you're saying if she was here and you had the option to have sex with her you wouldn't?" "Nope." He called bullshit on me but what I said is no bullshit, no sir. I just do not find that sort of girl attractive at all.
Those "super-hot" blonde cheerleader type girls? No thanks. The crazy "hot" girls dancing around at clubs and generally being quite promiscuous? No thanks. Hell, the porn stars with massive (obviously fake) boobs and all that? No thanks.
I seem to go for the odd looking girls, the "imperfect" ones so to speak. Don't get me wrong though, I still have to be attracted to them, which means I don't go for chubby girls for one (which have had a track record of being attracted to ME over the years for some reason :S), but narrowing down what I find attractive and un-attractive is no easy task, because things that I seem to find un-attractive on one girl can be attractive on another. Such is the complexity of human attraction and I'm absolutely sure I'm not the only one with this problem, It's just that I know for sure that the "super hot" type are a no go for me.
To give you an example, I was at a diner the other day with the family and there were several female waitresses, all probably around the early to mid twenties age range. The ones I remember the best were this typical "blonde hottie" and this girl with puppy fat around her chin and a sweet hair cut with this well placed blond streak thingo happening around the front. Yeah you can probably see where I'm going with this. I was definitely perving on her, she just looked incredibly cute, whereas I know my friends would've been perving on the blonde if they had have been there.
I know that for me, a girls attractiveness earns bonus points if she wears reading glasses but thats just a weird thing I have. I like girls that do interesting things with their hair (if you wanna see some examples, Google "Scene girls" though I do not necessarily find them attractive, just that their hair is typically awesome). I like girls who wear stuff that isn't the top notch high trend fashion junk (no offense to anyone that is into that, I just don't like it, also jeans are win at all times).
And it's also important to remember that attractiveness is not just about looks but personality too. I think most people forget about this when they look at people they think are hot and just focus on the looks without observing them and trying to see how they are. You can't really make a very accurate assessment though based on just looking on from a distance which is where the trial and error of dating really starts to play its part as you really need to hang out with said person if you want to get to know them.
As far as personality goes for me though, I like girls who don't think or do things because the media tells them to, or because they follow society's ideas instead of thinking critically about something and deciding for themselves what they think or feel about issues/ideas. I like girls who are NOT loud all the time, and girls who don't just want the guy to do everything. Relationships are a two way street after all. Girls who are just "weird" or different in one way or another seem to get noticed by me more than those who are just "normal" (normal and weird being completely subjective to personal opinion of course, for the purpose of this imagine it as society's idea of "normal" and "weird").
I'm not sure what else to add to this, as it seems to be a pretty good summary already. I guess the only thing that is left for me is to conquer my cowardice about approaching women and to just give it a shot. I'm fairly terrified of doing that though, despite all the self-help/alpha-male bullshit I've read through and even tried. I probably need counselling for this or something lol. Just know, quiet/nerdy/weird/not-supermodel-looking girls, that there are people that do find you attractive, they're probably all just shy like me T_T .
You see, most of society will probably think that I'm some kind of fucked up wierdo for this but I do not find supermodels attractive at all. Even the ones that aren't stick thin and actually look healthy do not do anything for me at all. Something about the "perfection" that they supposedly have in their physicality is actually quite the turn-off for me.
The most prominent example of this is that I not only find Megan Fox UN-ATTRACTIVE, but REPULSIVE! I remember telling a friend of mine this who thinks she is incredibly hawt and his reaction was hilarious. One of the things he said to me was "So you're saying if she was here and you had the option to have sex with her you wouldn't?" "Nope." He called bullshit on me but what I said is no bullshit, no sir. I just do not find that sort of girl attractive at all.
Those "super-hot" blonde cheerleader type girls? No thanks. The crazy "hot" girls dancing around at clubs and generally being quite promiscuous? No thanks. Hell, the porn stars with massive (obviously fake) boobs and all that? No thanks.
I seem to go for the odd looking girls, the "imperfect" ones so to speak. Don't get me wrong though, I still have to be attracted to them, which means I don't go for chubby girls for one (which have had a track record of being attracted to ME over the years for some reason :S), but narrowing down what I find attractive and un-attractive is no easy task, because things that I seem to find un-attractive on one girl can be attractive on another. Such is the complexity of human attraction and I'm absolutely sure I'm not the only one with this problem, It's just that I know for sure that the "super hot" type are a no go for me.
To give you an example, I was at a diner the other day with the family and there were several female waitresses, all probably around the early to mid twenties age range. The ones I remember the best were this typical "blonde hottie" and this girl with puppy fat around her chin and a sweet hair cut with this well placed blond streak thingo happening around the front. Yeah you can probably see where I'm going with this. I was definitely perving on her, she just looked incredibly cute, whereas I know my friends would've been perving on the blonde if they had have been there.
I know that for me, a girls attractiveness earns bonus points if she wears reading glasses but thats just a weird thing I have. I like girls that do interesting things with their hair (if you wanna see some examples, Google "Scene girls" though I do not necessarily find them attractive, just that their hair is typically awesome). I like girls who wear stuff that isn't the top notch high trend fashion junk (no offense to anyone that is into that, I just don't like it, also jeans are win at all times).
And it's also important to remember that attractiveness is not just about looks but personality too. I think most people forget about this when they look at people they think are hot and just focus on the looks without observing them and trying to see how they are. You can't really make a very accurate assessment though based on just looking on from a distance which is where the trial and error of dating really starts to play its part as you really need to hang out with said person if you want to get to know them.
As far as personality goes for me though, I like girls who don't think or do things because the media tells them to, or because they follow society's ideas instead of thinking critically about something and deciding for themselves what they think or feel about issues/ideas. I like girls who are NOT loud all the time, and girls who don't just want the guy to do everything. Relationships are a two way street after all. Girls who are just "weird" or different in one way or another seem to get noticed by me more than those who are just "normal" (normal and weird being completely subjective to personal opinion of course, for the purpose of this imagine it as society's idea of "normal" and "weird").
I'm not sure what else to add to this, as it seems to be a pretty good summary already. I guess the only thing that is left for me is to conquer my cowardice about approaching women and to just give it a shot. I'm fairly terrified of doing that though, despite all the self-help/alpha-male bullshit I've read through and even tried. I probably need counselling for this or something lol. Just know, quiet/nerdy/weird/not-supermodel-looking girls, that there are people that do find you attractive, they're probably all just shy like me T_T .
Monday, April 5, 2010
It's been a while...
Haven't even looked at my blog for about a month, maybe more, so I figure I should maybe finally make a new post so I can update a few things for whoever actually reads this.
Life has been OK. Not great, not bad, just OK.
I can't really complain either because I'm being fully supported by my parents at the moment. I quit my fast food job which my parents weren't pleased about because now I'm not earning any money for myself, but I hated it there, surrounded by kids, shit hours, terrible pay (pretty much minimum wage) and just plain boring. I miss having money but I do not miss the job at all.
I'm not really hanging out with anyone at the moment either, but this doesn't necessarily make me sad. I'm kinda enjoying being a shut-in but it would be nice to hang out with people once in a while. I haven't made any new nearby friends in ages.
My 3D projects were going ok for a while but then I just sorta lost interest this past week. I've been playing the new Battlefield: Bad Company 2 game non-stop since last Monday. It's just such a good game! From the sound, to the guns, to the vehicles, to the fact that all projectiles are affected by gravity and travel time (this is especially important for snipers, your bullet doesn't just instantly hit a target 500 meters away!), to the fast paced action, to the awesome graphics, to the team-based gameplay, it is so much win rolled into one 80 dollar purchase! I'm loving playing as a Assault-Shotgun class where I just run around like a madman tearing people apart with my Neostead 2000. I'll record a video of some gameplay eventually and chuck it on youtube so people can see it in action, because this game really deserves to have more copies sold than Modern Warfare 2. I truly believe it is better in pretty much every way. One of my online friends has been bugging me to play MW2 lately but I just hate it now.
I did apply for a range of 3D games jobs however. Unfortunately, no one is looking for 3D artists right now so I can't actually get work in the games industry right now. I'm not sure if I wanna settle for an architecture job, as I can see that getting old really quickly. I guess I'll just keep trying to do my own thing and promote myself. The main way I'm gonna do that is messing around with the Source games engine by Valve, as I have learnt how to make my own custom props for it and have started learning how to build my own Team Fortress 2 maps so it should be fun once I stop playing BFBC2 and start actually doing stuff again...
Also I never ended up asking that girl out at Mcdonalds. She seemed to have found someone anyway though I'm not certain. I'm going to make another post entirely about girls soonish (maybe I should start saying women instead of girls /shrug).
Haven't made any progress on earning my driving license either, though it doesn't bother me really. It bothers everyone around me more than it bothers me.
So thats about it as far as a big update goes. Things are going alright, but I would like them to be going better. Here's what I want to do with myself:
1) Get into the habit of spending a few hours a day (at least) working on 3D projects so I can improve my skills and achieve my goal of becoming one of the best modelers and texture artists in the world for games. It won't be easy to achieve that but if I don't practice then my chances go from low to zero.
2) Find a new part-time job: I want to work at somewhere that sells video-games as I have a lot of knowledge on video games and would actually find my job interesting. Then I can have money to spend on things.
I think thats actually all I need to do. From working on my 3D stuff I'll be more likely to land a 3D job and I'll have a lot more stuff to show off to people. Once I have money from a part-time job (or even a 3D job if I land one) I'll be able to do things like get a gym membership/join a sports club, start learning the saxophone, and go back to having a drinks night at the Greenhouse bar.
I'm surprised I boiled it down that easily. It felt overwhelming when I thought about it yesterday but its as simple as practice your skill-set and find a part-time job.
I'm glad I made this post. Now to make a post about girls/women/that other gender (lol)
Life has been OK. Not great, not bad, just OK.
I can't really complain either because I'm being fully supported by my parents at the moment. I quit my fast food job which my parents weren't pleased about because now I'm not earning any money for myself, but I hated it there, surrounded by kids, shit hours, terrible pay (pretty much minimum wage) and just plain boring. I miss having money but I do not miss the job at all.
I'm not really hanging out with anyone at the moment either, but this doesn't necessarily make me sad. I'm kinda enjoying being a shut-in but it would be nice to hang out with people once in a while. I haven't made any new nearby friends in ages.
My 3D projects were going ok for a while but then I just sorta lost interest this past week. I've been playing the new Battlefield: Bad Company 2 game non-stop since last Monday. It's just such a good game! From the sound, to the guns, to the vehicles, to the fact that all projectiles are affected by gravity and travel time (this is especially important for snipers, your bullet doesn't just instantly hit a target 500 meters away!), to the fast paced action, to the awesome graphics, to the team-based gameplay, it is so much win rolled into one 80 dollar purchase! I'm loving playing as a Assault-Shotgun class where I just run around like a madman tearing people apart with my Neostead 2000. I'll record a video of some gameplay eventually and chuck it on youtube so people can see it in action, because this game really deserves to have more copies sold than Modern Warfare 2. I truly believe it is better in pretty much every way. One of my online friends has been bugging me to play MW2 lately but I just hate it now.
I did apply for a range of 3D games jobs however. Unfortunately, no one is looking for 3D artists right now so I can't actually get work in the games industry right now. I'm not sure if I wanna settle for an architecture job, as I can see that getting old really quickly. I guess I'll just keep trying to do my own thing and promote myself. The main way I'm gonna do that is messing around with the Source games engine by Valve, as I have learnt how to make my own custom props for it and have started learning how to build my own Team Fortress 2 maps so it should be fun once I stop playing BFBC2 and start actually doing stuff again...
Also I never ended up asking that girl out at Mcdonalds. She seemed to have found someone anyway though I'm not certain. I'm going to make another post entirely about girls soonish (maybe I should start saying women instead of girls /shrug).
Haven't made any progress on earning my driving license either, though it doesn't bother me really. It bothers everyone around me more than it bothers me.
So thats about it as far as a big update goes. Things are going alright, but I would like them to be going better. Here's what I want to do with myself:
1) Get into the habit of spending a few hours a day (at least) working on 3D projects so I can improve my skills and achieve my goal of becoming one of the best modelers and texture artists in the world for games. It won't be easy to achieve that but if I don't practice then my chances go from low to zero.
2) Find a new part-time job: I want to work at somewhere that sells video-games as I have a lot of knowledge on video games and would actually find my job interesting. Then I can have money to spend on things.
I think thats actually all I need to do. From working on my 3D stuff I'll be more likely to land a 3D job and I'll have a lot more stuff to show off to people. Once I have money from a part-time job (or even a 3D job if I land one) I'll be able to do things like get a gym membership/join a sports club, start learning the saxophone, and go back to having a drinks night at the Greenhouse bar.
I'm surprised I boiled it down that easily. It felt overwhelming when I thought about it yesterday but its as simple as practice your skill-set and find a part-time job.
I'm glad I made this post. Now to make a post about girls/women/that other gender (lol)
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