What the f***?

It has been 4 months since my last post if my math is correct, so both a lot, and a little, has happened in that time.

On the girl front, I gave up on her quickly, and she ended up going out with some other guy instead. No big loss there as I don't like the ones that play their little mind-games, regardless of the other qualities they might have.

I still don't have a car or bike license and haven't done any lessons for a very long time. As far as car license is concerned, I seriously just DO NOT WANT one. Whenever I think about it my stomach starts to turn itself over inside me, I feel a little nauseous and an overarching sense of fear invades my mind. Funnily enough, the same is not true when I think about working on a bike license but of course, parents won't support it at all so I'm f***ed there.

With my 3D animation, literally nothing has happened there. I've just sort of given up on it up until now, though I'm having recurring thoughts about picking it back up again. I can never seem to act on my ideas of getting back into things though which is really frustrating as I feel kind of powerless, but I'm working on that. I have plans, bold plans, but they might work.

Career wise, I'm having this wierd situation where I feel like I'm in a crisis and am just going to crumble under this pressure I've placed on myself, but the pressure is simply because I'm not making any effort to do 3D or other things, staying content at the bar job I landed 4 months ago when I got trialled at the bar in the city. I feel the pressure is somewhat justified in that all I've done for the past 4 months is worked my job being a glassy at a bar, and while it has been enjoyable having money, it has been mostly un-fulfilling (apart from having lots of social contact and new friends, that has been nice).

So I've been contemplating, as I do constantly, how I can branch out. Obviously I can keep pressing the bar to train me as a bartender behind the bar, but if I can apply myself correctly, I can probably return to 3D animation. I had another idea though, one that I've had for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time but has always seemed just so silly whenever I thought about it, and that is to become a Pro-Gamer. Who honestly thinks that though right? It's like the ultimate competitive gamers dream and I am so bold as to think "hey lets give it a shot," but you don't just BECOME a pro-gamer, you need to earn your place and this is what worries me, that I will not in fact be skilled enough to match up to the established pros. It takes a lot of dedication to be the very best at the game that you play and I currently have 3-4 of my days taken up mostly with working, which limits my playtime substantially.

My big plan, as it were, is to do everything. That's right, 3D animation, bar work, and pro-gaming. Sounds crazy yeh? The thing is, I have a desire to do each of these things, but if I try to focus on one and cut out the other two, then I feel I limit myself. If I don't do 3D animation, I limit myself creatively and in terms of being a nerd in an exciting industry. If I don't do pro-gaming, I limit my ability to make USE of my 12+ years of playing video games (thats a long time for someone who is only 19 in my opinion) by just doing what I do, simply more professionally. If I don't do bar work, I feel that I will stifle my social development (which has been huge since I started working the glassy job). All 3 industries/professions have their pros and cons and I feel like they sort of balance each other out.

The problem with doing all three at once (or at least trying to) is that of having enough hours in a day to do everything, and the inherent lack of free time that I will have by doing this (right now I have too much free time, but this will cause that to become near 0 free time). You need to practice to be a pro-gamer, and practice a lot, the 3D animation job will take up a lot of day hours (as well as personal projects when I get the time), and the bar work will take up a lot of night hours at least. However if I find that I am doing well in 1 or 2 fields and lacking in the other, I can drop the other field and just continue doing what I'm doing and I will probably see much success this way. It's just a matter of the DOING that is hard to initiate as per the usual trend that befalls me.

Maybe this is the best idea I've ever had? Maybe it's the WORST idea I've ever had but I won't know for sure unless I try it. Right now I feel so stifled just doing the one thing, that maybe some variety is what I need beyond recreational video games -> Glassy work.

Also, I haven't been excersizing much as I feel tired enough from work as it is as the glassy work is kinda physically demanding, lots of movement all night long coupled with some portions of moving heavy shit around and going up and down stairs all through the night so I feel that that is a workout enough for someone that just wants to stay in shape and not become a total slob. My eating has been up and down but I feel that I can steer myself back into the up again as I'm going to be attempting to incorporate more meals of eggs into my day, more fruit, no cookies or bars when I go get subway (which is always loaded with veggies and meatballs or chicken), getting pro-active about acquiring my own ingredients so I can make my own food etc. It mainly requires a lot of willpower more than anything so I just need to pull myself together mainly.

And I did hook up with a cute asian girl that sort of picked me up while I was working one of my shifts and we ended up going to another nightclub later to dance, she got drunk, I took her home, and we had sex :O OMG moment for me at the time I was like so proud of myself for being such a stud lol, but the whole experience has had a few odd side effects on me which don't seem to be consistent with everyone else descriptions of "oh man it'll be the best thing ever blah blah blah fuck hot chicks blah blah."

1) I actually found the sex to be kind of boring. Honestly I enjoyed the blowjob the most but found the sex to be... underwhelming, tiresome, and generally just... meh.

2) Because of this, I feel like I just don't want to pursue anything with girls anymore. I'm not turning gay or anything, but it just feels like I would rather not bother with trying to hook up with girls given that the "payoff" is way too low compared to the effort put into it.

3) Funnily enough, because of this, I have an easier time just having casual chats with girls, because I have no intentions of hooking up with them or whatever, and as a result, I'm getting flirted with a lot more, probably because I give off the "totally detached and non-clingy cool guy" aura that most of the ladies men give off, but I'm not utilising it at all. It's not like I've become a pick up artist overnight or anything, but something has definitely swung into my favor, not that I'm making use of it though.

4) This does feel me feeling slightly empty though, as suddenly, girls are a non-issue, so what do I do later in life when it comes time to find a partner to have kids with? Am I just gonna be one of those people that never settles down? Will I end up with a partner that cheats on me all the time because I don't satisfy her carnal desires enough? Will I just have a stagnant relationship because so much of our society seems based off sex these days that not being a part of that seems to carry a stigma with it. Maybe I just truly am one of those people who just needs some companionship from time to time and thats about it (nothing wrong with that in my eyes).

5) It seems easier to make female friends in all of this, which is nice, as it was a long time since I had a female friend up until recently.

So there you have it. Can't think of anything else to add at this stage other than though I may endeavour to keep this blog updated more often, I doubt anyone reads it anyway and I just lose track of shit so whatever. I'll go about it as I go.