Ok I realised I already posted today but...

...My brain has sort of calmed down a bit and rerouted itself to be out of "sigh-face" mode.

So things aren't ALL bad, and I'm going to try to figure out how I can make them better. I haven't been able to get a part time job for shit living where I am at the moment, but our family is moving to a new area soon, still near the train line, but on the other side of the city from where we are now. Given that I'll be in a whole new area, it'll be a brand new blank slate for checkin' out all the various crappy part time jobs on offer.

Now, all that stuff aside, I WANT to do stuff in the video game industry, I KNOW this to be true in my soul. Maybe I'm not suited to it in an artistic way BUT, I'll never know if I don't REALLY REALLY TRY. To that end, I've decided to break down what is holding me back bit by bit (sort of in order of "How much I can do about it"):

Problem 1) My demo reel is no good:

Ok, when I finished my 3D animation course back in March 2010, I figured my demo reel was excellent. I mean, it seemed that way at the time, and it had so much diversity to its content! It had visual effects, modelling, texturing, architectural work, Character animation and so on. However, It is pandered by the community of artists that are high tier that being a creative industry as 3D animation is, your reel NEEDS to sell YOU. Sure, I covered a lot of different areas in my time at SAE, and they're all presented on my reel, but the quality of each of these things is lacking.

Now, this isn't the fault of the place that trained me. We only had a year to get all the stuff done that we did, all the while, I was being taught the various areas of 3D FROM SCRATCH. So, to say my knowledge of 3D animation swelled during the time from March 2009 to March 2010 is a big understatement. However, the quality is not high enough to really grab employers attentions. So, I need to improve my reel.

What do I need to do specifically to improve this? Well I need to display that I am capable of the skills that are required by artists that work on video games. The essentials are:

- Low polygon and High polygon modelling skills. Organic and Hard-Surface.
- Good texture work, especially being able to sculpt good normal maps using a software package (I have access to Mudbox for this)
- An understanding of rigging character models, as well as lighting scenes.
- An understanding of animation.

Note that VFX work, like particles, is not really necessary here, so that's something I don't really need to bother with (thankfully!). Also, depending on where I end up going with my work, I may only have to focus on characters or environments, which can mean needing to do some things is less necessary such as needing to know how to rig only for a character animator. However, I'm not totally sure if I want to be an environment artist or a character artist yet so it's probably safer to do a bit of both and see what I enjoy more.

So to simplify the above:
- Modelling
- Texturing
- Rigging, lighting,
- Animation

Simply modelling a character can accomplish all of the above. Characters have to be modelled, textured, rigged, and animated, and generally to show off the textures well (like specular/reflection/normal maps) you should light them well too. Environments simply cut out the Rigging and Animation aspects.

So say I want to display these qualities in both an environment scene and in the production of a character, what should I do exactly?

Firstly, come up with an interesting design for what I want to create.

Secondly, plan what will be needed to produce my design.

Thirdly, execute.

It's not too complicated when broken down like that, and I already have character designs and environment designs that I could work with.

So basically, I just need to produce some work for my Reel, and then update my reel with the work. That shouldn't be too crazy.

Let's move onto Problem 2) The software I have right now, is a Personal Study version.

While I'm certainly not bashing on companies for making these kinds of software that can be freely downloaded and used by people to learn (and I can use it to make stuff EXPLICITLY for the demo reel), my major problem from this is that in the user agreement, it is made crystal clear that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, can you use their animation software for ANYTHING COMMERCIAL EVER.

This sucks because Animation software that is industry standard like Maya or 3ds Max, costs around 2000 bucks each, and I don't have that kind of money, nor do I have a source of income. While I can make stuff with this for my demo reel (and sort of participate in some competitions), I cannot do any freelance work or work with any video game mod teams, even if I don't get paid, if they release the mod commercially, my ass could get handed to me by the people who make the software that I used for that mod, and then the mod team might have ramifications too. They may be forced to completely discontinue the mod, all because I can't buy a commercial use version of the software.

So while this does suck, I can still work on my own things, and add to my reel, which is great. It just means that my avenues for possibly making cash or getting experience are even smaller than they might be if I actually had a commercial license. This relates to Problem 3 in a way.

Problem 3) There's no fucking work in Perth for 3D.
Ok there is SOME, but it's pretty much already full of people already working in it who have no desire to go back to being unemployed unless they move elsewhere. As far as 3D work goes in Perth, it works like this:

Architecture Studios: There are a couple of big ones, mainly because there's so much construction going on in Perth all the time, so they feed on that. I've applied to such places in the past but they've never accepted me for paid work or just work experience, because in the past I've learnt how to use 3D with Maya, and architecture studios favour 3ds max instead. I'm working on an architecture piece now using 3ds max for my reel so that I can demonstrate my ability to use 3ds max for architecture, but my prospects still don't look good for employment from these guys. There's only a couple of big places, and virtually no smaller places anywhere nearby (unless I were to suddenly get moved to margaret river kind of thing, which is not going to happen).

Advertising Studios: There are a couple of places around for this kind of work, however, it should be noted that these guys are more in the VFX branch of 3D, and while I have applied to them in the past, my VFX work is probably my weakest point and unsurprisingly, I never heard from any of them. Sometimes VFX work involves models of objects, but the simple things like bottles are trivial to make, and things like Cars are typically handled by people who... are already well known for making lots of models of cars (my Lecturer has worked on a bunch of car commercials in his time). Prospects for jobs from these guys -> Even lower than architecture studios.

And then theres video game studios, however, there's only actually 2 places that could be considered "studios" in perth, and they're both full of people, a very small number of people, but still, full, and not looking for more. I've tried multiple times, and even got some work experience at one place, the only real success I've had getting anything close to being employed in 3D, however that's done with now and while I get to say I worked at a 3D game making place as a work experience kid for 20 days, and a referral from the boss of said place, nothing of real value has come from it, nothing I made can be used on my reel because it was all for the game, and the game is a secret project so, that's a no no.

Apart from that, the only big studio perth ever had for video games closed up and went back to wherever it came from because of shoddy management issues, and other problems that left everyone involved with a bad taste in their mouths. Everyone else in perth who makes games, is an independent, typically doing it as a hobby, or barely making enough money making flash games to survive, usually less. I'm not someone who knows anything about flash animation so that puts me at a severe disadvantage trying to get into helping any of these guys out, and they don't need any 3D people either, I've asked around, I've gone to their meet-ups, and there's not much to say other than *whistllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle-BOOM*

So unless I get called up again by the place I did work experience at, my prospects of getting a job in the game industry in Perth, is EVEN SHITTIER than getting a job at a VFX studio, not because I lack the skills required, but because the industry here is pretty much barren. And without being able to do any work from home on a Mod or as a Freelance guy, things look pretty bleak.

So where CAN I get work?

Let's ignore how many companies there are in the eastern states for just a moment as I open up my gmail account that is subscribed to the Digital Labourers Foundation (or DLF for short)

Ok, in the jobs section it looked like this:
Melbourne Sydney Sydney Melbourne Sydney Melbourne Adelaide Adelaide Adelaide Melbourne Sydney Sydney Sydney Adelaide Sydney London Sydney Weta NZ Sydney Canberra Melbourne Melbourne Sydney Canberra Sydney Melbourne...
You get the idea. Perth is not mentioned ONCE yet we are part of the mailing list. I can't remember Perth EVER Being mentioned.
(For those reading who haven't been to Australia, those are some of the capital cities over in the eastern states).

So, while the jobs posted are not always in my field (like there are jobs for photographers, programmers etc), there's certainly a lot more going on, and that is definitely a good thing.

So as far as companies over east go, Melbourne has some games studios and VFX studios, Brisbane has more games studios and less VFX studios, everywhere has architecture places. While moving to Brisbane would be better for me because of the larger number of game studios, It would be MUCH EASIER for me to go to Melbourne, as my older brother resides there and has told me I could room with him to at least get on my feet if I move (although he doesn't mind if I stick around longer and rent a place with him, which I'm cool with).

So clearly, my heart is set on going elsewhere, (of course I haven't even MENTIONED the COUNTLESS animation places in other countries, but maybe I'll get to that another time), but I lack one major thing that I need to do this. Money! The root of Problem 2 is also the root of Problem 3, which is very frustrating. Basically, I need 2000 bucks (probably more if I was to also get a commercial version of Mudbox and/or Zbrush, as well as having both 3ds max and Maya considering how different studios use different softwares, customer/client needs etc), so the cost would end up more around the $5000 mark in total. Then there's the cost of moving and living out of home. My brother said he would help me with accommodation, but that doesn't mean I get to live there without paying a cent. I'd obviously need to help with rent, food and bills, as well as paying for my own mobile phone bill. While I don't think Food would cost me much each week, my phone bill totals around 8 bucks a week (30 per month), and rent is probably at least about 250 per week, probably higher. I don't know how much bills generally cost but people seem to struggle to make ends meet at the best of times, so, To be able to move properly I really need to have a good amount of backup money and some good job prospects lined up for myself.

So, to put it in simple terms again:

Problem 2 and 3) Lack of money
To solve Problem 2 and 3) Obtain income and save money.
Obtain income through a Job

Pretty straight forward right?

My main issue for this is just getting a job in the first place, totally ignoring 3D jobs for a second. When it comes to getting crappy part time jobs, the best I've managed in the past was working as a glassy at a bar, with awful hours, shit working environment, and crappy pay. The people I worked with kept me going but in the end even they weren't enough to make it worth staying and I just had to bail, for my sanity and my health.

At the very least, that experience might make getting a new job easier. Hell, if I can handle navigating my way through scores of drunk people, mopping up vomit and worse on the fly, fulfilling special requests of bar-staff and customers alike, and generally keeping the place up and running for many hours each night until the crack of dawn, I'm sure I can survive working in a shop selling books/games/kitchenware/etc. If I can land a job that is ok as far as part time work goes, I'll be able to start saving money, and from that point on, as long as I'm smart about saving my money up for the purpose of doing something meaningful with it (in this case, moving states), that will be great. Of course I'm not going to delude myself into thinking my saving strategies will be perfect, as once I get a source of income again, I WILL be looking at what new video games are coming out a lot more closely, what anime is around, movies, and very importantly to my interests, building up my liquor collection so I can make nice drinks. Also my parents will be charging me a small bit of rent when I get a job, which is perfectly fair.

So, to break this down ONE LAST TIME:

What needs to be done->

Task 1) Work on demo reel, produce and display work that shows that I can Model, texture, rig, and animate well.

Task 2) Get a job and save money.

I think that my money should go towards the commercial versions of the programs first and moving second. After all, I might pick up some freelancing work finally if I have a commercial version of the software and start promoting myself everywhere.

I mean, that sounds pretty good right? Not too complicated no?

Debilitating Boredom

I don't know what has happened to me.

A little under a week ago, I was overcome with an insane amount of boredom. I didn't want to do ANYTHING AT ALL, so no video games, no anime, no manga, no 3D projects, no reading, no getting outside, nothing at all. I would wake up, go to the computer, open facebook and hotmail, and refresh those for most of the day.

Indeed that's all I've been doing for the past 4 or 5 days, with a tiny bit of gaming here and there (like passing crysis 1 and warhead over the past few days, both really short games that I sped through). Even now, I sit here, slumped in my chair, still in my pyjamas, when I should be out of the house, working on something. I'm bored beyond any sort of extreme levels though, I'm so bored it's depressing me, I can FEEL the physical symptoms of depression that I'm all too familiar with.

I haven't made an ounce of progress on my 3D apartment project which I'm supposed to be hard at work on everyday, my parents are getting shitty with me for not working on it as much as they want me to. Every effort I make to do anything in the program devolves into this though: I open the program, load the scene, create and move a few cubes around to spots for stuff to go, and then leave the program there and barely look at it for the rest of the day. No progress what-so-ever.

I guess I'm just so bored with life that I've become sapped of any strength I had to keep going. Hell, I even tried talking to a Kids Help Line service yesterday (they help people between 5 and 25 years of age in Australia), and even after an hour of just getting things off my chest about how fucking crap it is trying to get a job in 3D in Western Australia, how there are no jobs any-fucking-where else, and that the only thing that I might be able to get at all would be to serve fucking fast food at some shit place like KFC, I wasn't any better off for it. Working at somewhere like KFC is even more depressing of a thought than simply being an unemployed bum for the rest of my life.

Why did things have to turn out like this? What went wrong? What went wrong is a bit of a shit question to ask me though, a better question is What went right? I can tell you now, not fucking much; I survived high-school, I got into and completed a 1 year 3D animation course, and got 6 months of experience working as a glassy at a bar. That's about fucking it. Oh and I'm good at video games, but what the fuck is that going to do for me. I have no relationship experience to my name, I lack a great deal of social and mechanical skill, I can't drive, I spend much of my days in a haze in my mind, I have no real accomplishments to my name that can possibly get me anywhere.
Some things are bad luck, but other things are just shit, and bad luck doesn't make me feel any better about things.

I don't know what to do with myself. All I feel right now is that I wish I could die.
Why can't I just experience SOME success?

Oh yeah I have this blog still

Hey I'm not dead! Yet again here we are months apart from the previous post, so time to recap on whatever I can remember:

Firstly: Still no car or bike license, meh.

Secondly: I quit my job at the bar, as it just started to get way too depressing for me to keep working there. Everything just kinda hit a bottomless chasm; I had no energy ever, I felt like I was sorta not connecting properly with the people I worked with, I had a ton more hours than I would've liked, complete lack of sunlight, and just a general feeling of misery that I couldn't shake until I abandoned the job itself. I was hounded for it because I didn't have any backup job setup for myself but I consider my health to be a higher priority than money, as long as I am still at home with the parents at least.

Thirdly: Getting back into 3D, ditching the pro gaming idea (for now at least) and the bar work stuff may only come back as a couple of days a week part time job (and more likely it'll just be me finding work at a bottle-shop or something). I nabbed a 20 day work experience period at a video game company in Fremantle helping them work on the menu area for their video game (characters walking around in the background and such), which was an amazing eye opener thanks to the other artist I was working with, who really opened my eyes to what is possible in 3D nowadays. So now that that is over, and I have a neat referral and work experience to put on my resume, I'm working on my own stuff again.

I've also found that, it's so much easier for me to work on something, if I simply get out of the house and go somewhere else to work on it. For a couple of days this week, I've been going back to the place I studied 3D and making use of their facilities, with remarkable productivity boosts as a result. When I'm at home, I guess my brain just wanders and tells itself it can do stuff later, but when I get out of the house I get more into the "you're not at home, you're on a computer, it's workin time" mode and it's really great. Happy to be back to working on something I find meaningful.

And Lastly, but what I consider to be most importantly, I may have fallen for someone (or at least finally acknowledged that I've fallen for them). If you'll remember from my last post I mentioned that I was very much detached from romantic feelings towards any women now. Well that seems to have changed, as I currently find myself COMPLETELY attached to this one girl I know. I don't even actually know her that well, but I'm always kinda drawn to look at her when she's around, and I'd really like to get to know her better.

Some slight complications with this situation however
1) I'm shy as fuck around her and can't seem to find the courage to just try talking to her. I don't get why, but that's just how it is. Makes me sigh when I think about it.
2). She is in fact, the younger sister of one of my friends. However, I've already talked to him about it and he's a total bro about it so this isn't really an issue anymore.
3). She is only 15 years old (the legal age here is 16). This is mainly an issue from a legal point of view, since if we were the same age I wouldn't even think about this, however I am in fact 19, and I'll be turning 20 in January (shit that rocked up fast). From a moral standpoint, I don't find my attraction creepy at all, in fact I find it hard most of the time to think about anything perverted regarding her, almost as if I would rather not think of her like that for some reason. Also she turns 16 in only a few months, and I'm in no desperate hurry to rush straight to anything.

If anything, I'm afraid of her being snatched away by someone else while I sit by, twiddling my thumbs, thinking of what to say to her. Also I don't think I've mentioned as such yet, but from the way I see her, it seems as if she is also attracted to me on some level, though I cannot be certain of anything, as my ability to recognize signals of any kind is god-awful. It would be nice though, if things were to somehow work out. In this way I think my ideals of love and relationships has changed a lot since high-school days. I actually wish I could have my virginity back sometimes, but that is done with now so it's not work thinking about.

What else to say... well, not much really, since I can't be bothered getting into the specifics of stuff like what anime I've watched, manga I've read, or games I've played, however I have been spending way too much time playing Monday Night Combat on PC lately. I'm ranked in the top 100 almost for total crossfire mode earnings, which is kinda crazy (doesn't mean I'm in the top 100 most skilled players group though, no real way to determine that unfortunately).

So I guess for now this is goodbye again, but hopefully it's not such a long goodbye this time, so that I may actually update this thing (for nobody to read lol). That is... so long as I don't get lost in my swooning over the girl...

<3