Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Debilitating Boredom

I don't know what has happened to me.

A little under a week ago, I was overcome with an insane amount of boredom. I didn't want to do ANYTHING AT ALL, so no video games, no anime, no manga, no 3D projects, no reading, no getting outside, nothing at all. I would wake up, go to the computer, open facebook and hotmail, and refresh those for most of the day.

Indeed that's all I've been doing for the past 4 or 5 days, with a tiny bit of gaming here and there (like passing crysis 1 and warhead over the past few days, both really short games that I sped through). Even now, I sit here, slumped in my chair, still in my pyjamas, when I should be out of the house, working on something. I'm bored beyond any sort of extreme levels though, I'm so bored it's depressing me, I can FEEL the physical symptoms of depression that I'm all too familiar with.

I haven't made an ounce of progress on my 3D apartment project which I'm supposed to be hard at work on everyday, my parents are getting shitty with me for not working on it as much as they want me to. Every effort I make to do anything in the program devolves into this though: I open the program, load the scene, create and move a few cubes around to spots for stuff to go, and then leave the program there and barely look at it for the rest of the day. No progress what-so-ever.

I guess I'm just so bored with life that I've become sapped of any strength I had to keep going. Hell, I even tried talking to a Kids Help Line service yesterday (they help people between 5 and 25 years of age in Australia), and even after an hour of just getting things off my chest about how fucking crap it is trying to get a job in 3D in Western Australia, how there are no jobs any-fucking-where else, and that the only thing that I might be able to get at all would be to serve fucking fast food at some shit place like KFC, I wasn't any better off for it. Working at somewhere like KFC is even more depressing of a thought than simply being an unemployed bum for the rest of my life.

Why did things have to turn out like this? What went wrong? What went wrong is a bit of a shit question to ask me though, a better question is What went right? I can tell you now, not fucking much; I survived high-school, I got into and completed a 1 year 3D animation course, and got 6 months of experience working as a glassy at a bar. That's about fucking it. Oh and I'm good at video games, but what the fuck is that going to do for me. I have no relationship experience to my name, I lack a great deal of social and mechanical skill, I can't drive, I spend much of my days in a haze in my mind, I have no real accomplishments to my name that can possibly get me anywhere.
Some things are bad luck, but other things are just shit, and bad luck doesn't make me feel any better about things.

I don't know what to do with myself. All I feel right now is that I wish I could die.
Why can't I just experience SOME success?

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