Current mood - Despair

That's pretty much it. Right now everything feels hopeless. There's so much and so little to say about it at the same time. I'll probably just end up rambling incoherently but I may as well get this down anyway.

I basically feel dead inside again. This seems to be happening to me more and more these days. It was only a few weeks ago that this same thing happened and I spent a week in this state, doing very little and causing my family to be very agitated. I think this feeling of emptiness inside is a massive sign of depression, and to tell you the truth I do feel depressed. My train of thought constantly re-centers itself on how much of a failure I am as a person. So let's take a look at that shall we...

I have no car, no job, and have still never had a girlfriend. I am basically a loser. I still survive off fortnightly pocket-money from my parents as I have done since I was in primary school. I have to rely on public transport to get anywhere, I can't buy anything for myself unless I save up my tiny amount of pocket money for months, if not a year, and I feel like a failure for not being able to attract a nice girl. People tell me I shouldn't feel so bad about the girl part but something I read recently regarding parents feeling disappointed that their kids aren't producing grand-kids cannot get my mind off this fact. It went something along the lines of "You are their greatest investment, they have poured love, time, and money into you, so that you may be the best that you can be, but if you cannot attract a girl, then you are a faulty product, and a waste for them."

So basically, when I take that quote there and apply it to myself, I end up with the shocking realization that I am 18 and all I have to show for it is a high-school graduation certificate and soon a diploma of 3D animation. I don't have any awesome awards, or trophies, or "a track record with the ladies", or major accomplishments beyond surviving my education. All I have are a few friends, all of whom are way better off than I am.

My mate B***** has a nice amount of savings, an 80 000 dollar car, lots of work experience in a thriving industry with plenty of potential to grow, and has been with plenty of "hot" girls (though his definition of hot girls is different to mine in that he likes the more 'perfect hollywood' look, refer to my post about my type of girls and its basically the opposite).

My mate B## has about 13 000 dollars in savings, owns a huge amount of games, has his license and is saving that money for a car at the moment, and has lots of work experience in a wide variety of jobs (Shelf stacker -> Kitchen Hand -> Orderly at a hospital -> Baggage Handler -> new job soon once he quits that one). His track record with girls is as bad as mine but it doesn't concern him like it concerns me.

My mate J**** is always having fun drinking or doing other things because he has money from his job at McDonalds. Though he's not that much better off than myself, at least he's enjoying himself.

And my mate B***** seems to be cruising through life rather nicely, with a good family, a job that fits into his study, and a laid-back attitude.

As far as I can see, they are all better off than me, yet I was always the kid who was said to have "so much potential." Either they're right and I've simply let them down, or they were simply wrong all along.

No car, no job, no money, no girl, no social skills. I don't understand how everyone else can be how they are when they get into a public environment and start talking with randoms or whatever. Was I born lacking that gene or something? It's always been really odd for me to watch people being social, as I don't really get much of what is going on. It kills me to no end that I can't just meet people of my own accord, and that I can't really connect with people, also due to what seems to be the way that I think very differently from others (my step-dad and I always have clashes of ways of doing things and how things should be, all the time, and its not just with him).

Also on the subject of no social skills, I was recently at a club with a friend and as I was taking a breather after dancing, and a really cute girl joined me and started talking to me out of nowhere. I was a little awkward (despite being tipsy at least) but she took me to the dance-floor anyway, but from there nothing happened, and my friends were trying to get me to do something but I was clueless as to what to do to progress things or how I should act, so she went her way and nothing happened. Why did I have to be the one to have no social skills when my brother and sister turned out just fine...

I can barely do simple tasks as well. My sister was tasked with teaching me how to clean the toilets properly today and it felt like I was doing it in a daze, she had to keep re-showing me how to do things and had lots of criticism for the ton of mistakes I was making and how long it was taking me to clean 1 toilet. When I think back on it, it's so simple, but when it comes to doing it, it would look to anyone else as though I'd been tasked with defusing a bomb or something. I'm so incompetent... I can mess up the most simple of cooking recipes too.

So where were we... no car, no job, no girl, no social skills, no money. No motivation either. A group of us 3D guys from my college have been working on a 3D short for our reels and I've been tasked with building creation and placement in the city scene we have. We only have a limited amount of time on this since we're doing it for a competition too, I think about 8 weeks left, and I haven't made any buildings or contributed anything useful for the past week and a half at least, closer to 2 weeks to be honest. I'm just not really excited by it anymore, and it's not only this project, but all the ideas I've had for personal projects, I just can't seem to make myself do any of them and it is so depressing because doing these projects so I can boost my reel is one of the ONLY things that will help me land a 3D job in games (or anywhere for that matter).

All I'm doing lately instead is playing games. Honestly, it's all I've ever done, from when I was in Kindergarten at about 4-6 years old, up until now at 18 years old. Sure, they gave us homework in primary school, which I sometimes did, either way I aced primary school, and even in high school I didn't put much effort into the actual classes, instead focussing most of my time into playing video games. Indeed it is the cause of my grades slipping in my final years of high school and even now they distract me from doing what I need to do.

But what I NEED to do doesn't feel like what I WANT to do anymore. I don't feel that same energy that I used to when I was first doing my 3D animation course last year. I can't get motivated to make anything awesome anymore like I used to back when I started. Back when I started I was investing so many more hours than were necessary, and yet now I don't invest any hours. The only thing I am doing is working on a logo for my brothers DJ name, and even that is only every couple of days I make a small bit of progress. I'm surprised he's still going to pay me considering how long I'm taking...

But the thing is, if I don't actually do something with what I've learnt at my college course, then it'll just feel like a huge waste of a year. In fact, thats what it feels like right now, but even thinking about making attempts to make it a non-waste of time feel pointless. Maybe I'm not cut out for the 3D industry.

In fact it feels like I'm not cut out for life in general. Life where one grows up, gets an education, gets a job, finds a career, meets and has a relationship with a lover, buys a house, pays the bills, has kids, spends the rest of their life working to pay off the house and the bills and pay for everything the kid needs, right up until you retire and then die. I look at this scenario and think to myself "no, this is not what I signed up for," but with the way our society is, if you are not made of money, this is what you are stuck with, whether you like it or not. As far as myself goes, I have grown up in some ways, and I have an education, but that is as far as I've gone, as I feel stuck at the "gets a job" part.

Back to the career side of things, I've thought about seeing what making music is like, or writing stories, or anything else that avoids me doing something where I cannot exercise any creativity whatsoever. But when I think it over in my head, the same scenario plays over in my head for all of them. Get information about particular discipline -> get excited for it -> get an education for it, maintaining excitement -> education for that discipline ends, move to find work for it -> lose interest. I don't know if this is how it will play out, but if my past experience with trying new things is anything to go by, it most likely will be the case. Whenever I've tried to get into something, I get really pumped for it, learn what I can through whatever means available, try it out on a 'mess-around' level, then I just lose interest, usually when I get to complicated stages of the thing I'm looking into.

Of course it's not like I give up on a video-game when it gets complicated and hard (unless it's on "insane" difficulty, which is usually after I've already passed it and am doing it on the hardest difficulty to test myself), which just leads me to think less of myself as it seems like all I am good for is playing video-games. And I'm not even anything special when it comes to that, I'm no speed-running god, or someone who clears the hardest games in the world and makes videos for all to see, nor do I 100% every single song on every guitar hero game ever. I'm nothing extra-ordinary, I'm just ordinary.

So you could say that I have no motivation, as well as that I have no drive either.

It really doesn't look very good for me does it? 18 and still can't look after myself beyond making instant packet meals from the cupboard and perhaps running a load of washing (mum still does that though...).

I really am useless, and now after writing this I feel more justified than before that I am, in fact, useless.

I have thought about suicide before but I don't want to do that, as it would just hurt everyone I know, and then I'd be even worse than useless.

I dunno... I'm a mess...